Once upon a time I had a life. A life without children, responsibility or much common sense for who I hurt along the way. A life without a husband. A life without unconditional love and a life without a solid respect for the my reputation. I had a life the involved drinking. Hanging out with friends and throwing virtues to the wind. I gossiped with friends. Hell, I gossiped about friends and to be completely honest I had little concern for anyone except number one...I mean there were a few exceptions...but besides bff's and family...yea, little regard went into people's thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Basically, I was kinda a bitch...and a cruel one at that. If your dirty laundry was aired and drifted my way...if I didn't like you I was sure to send your business in the direction of others. Not because I had nothing better to do, nothing to talk about or no life of my own but because I didn't care about destroying people if it furthered my cause. Harsh, right? Almost sociopathic of me. But, then again I was a completely self-centered, self-righteous and strong willed young woman. I lived for that DAY. Not the next. I am not sure I ever destroyed anyone...with the exception of myself and maybe my reputation. But, I realize that now.
Three years of marriage and 3 children later people who haven't kept up with my business are still amazed to find out that I have settled down. I have lost many individuals along the way that could have been great friends because I had a fierce tongue and an even fiercer attitude. But, that wasn't the person that was in my heart. That was the person those I surrounded myself with convinced me that I was.
You know what they say...one bad apple spoils the bunch.
I am a firm believer...now of never saying anything about someone that you wouldn't sign your name to. Regardless of the validity of a statement it shouldn't be said if it is going to be deterimental the the mental and emotional health of another individual.
As a mother, I look at the bigger picture. I can vividly remember the hurt and pain that rumors and gossip caused my life. I can remember being the shoulder my friends cried on when rumors hurt them and remember being the crier. I remember saying a lot of miserable, nasty and often times very true things about people that once confided in me.
And now when I imagine my daughter in her late teens and early 20's I can only hope that I can teach her how painful rumors are. I hope I can save her from the pain I have felt and hope I can keep her from causing the harm I know I caused.
Rumors and gossip have little power until they are spread among people. Rumors aren't always false...but then again, they aren't always true either. But regardless of validity they hurt. If I could personally go back and apologize to everyone I have hurt I would...but I can't.
So, I will sit here. Be the best possible friend I can be. Be a mother to my children and hope that I can instill some virtue, chastity and empathy in them that they will carry with them throughout the years.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Sometimes two legs and two arms just isn't enough
***These have got to be my boys...They totally veg out to Wizard of Oz. They watched the whole thing***
Last week, I was forced to deal with vomiting, for my first time since I entered the grand world of Mommy-hood. And to think I thought spit up was gross. HA! I woke up at 5:45 bright and early to two little boys COVERED in vomit. Gross. We took 3 baths that day. Mommy got thrown up on twice and I chased them around with tupperware everytime I heard what sounded like possible regurgitation.
Talk about miserable. But, despite the throw up being gross and miserable to deal with it was even worse having two sick boys and one little peanut all seeming to need my attention at the same time. It was on of those days I realized that the 4 limbs that I have just wasn't enough. Normally, I carry on my day and am certain that I have limbs I didn't know about. Somehow, despite the obvious challenge my house stays clean, dinner gets cooked, diapers get changed, children get fed and bathed and at the end of the day I sigh...and ask myself how did that all get done?
But sick days are the worst. They tug at my heart strings. Two arms isn't enough to hug two boys at the same time and my lap just isn't big enough for them both to take a seat. On normal days...both are possible...sick days they simply won't allow it. There are 100 thousand things I love about having twins. THIS is the one thing I hate. I want to be able to nurture and care for them both at the same moment of need. I want to squeeze them both and give them every ounce of feel good mojo I can muster but when they won't share I can't. And as I am giving love to one I am feeling the pain of the other as he screams in desperation for a hug. Absolutely heartbreaking.
Sometimes two legs and two arms just isn't enough.
Monday, May 10, 2010
If you don't want to hear about boobies. Read no further.
As some know, and others may not know, I was inflicted with a condition known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum during both of my pregnancies. The condition is nasty and got me so bad that all pharmaceutical interventions became ineffective and both times I ended up with a PICC line (a catheter type IV that went from my arm and dropped off right by my heart), this is how I was fed, given prescription drugs and hydrated. Basically...shittiest thing ever. Especially with Addy, I couldn't gain weight and her health and my health were potentially being compromised. At birth, she was small. Not considered low birth weight but tiny nonetheless...she is my petite little princess. But, thankfully, my hyperemesis began to lessen in my last 8 weeks, I was able to put on weight and I was able to produce milk the day after my little one was born.
During my last experience with Hyperemesis I joined an online support group to help me through my misery and remind me I was not alone in my struggle and I realized that some women were much less fortunate than myself. Another woman in the group had her daughter 4 days after Adelyn was born and her health, weight and nutrition were so significantly compromised she was unable to lactate. The doctors discouraged her from even trying! I couldn't imagine being in her shoes.
Nutrition these days has not been an issue for me. I pump. Exclusively. Meaning my daughter gets nothing but breast milk, but from a bottle. Because I am pumping exclusively my supply isn't necessarily dictated by HER needs but by my pumping schedule and my supply is a supply of plenty. I honestly have enough milk to feed her for 2-3 months if I were to stop producing today and now my deep freeze is full (we had to buy a new freezer to have storage for all of it). Now, any nursing mom will tell you breast milk is "liquid gold". There is nothing healthier for a child than the nourishment that comes from their mother but what if their mother can't produce it? Formula isn't the only option.
Due to my abundance of supply I started investigating what to do with it. I became aware of a few milk banks, that is right I said milk banks, in Southern California which accepted donations of breastmilk which they would test, pasteurize and forward to needy recipients. After researching a handful of them I found my match. They are based out of Southern California, have a cute name ("Milkin' Mamas") and donate their milk to NICU units and place a special emphasis on Very Low Birth Weight Babies, pre filling 10 ml syringes for hospital use. There are a number of reasons for low birth weight babies, the most prominent of these being pre-term delivery. When pre-term delivery occurs mothers often have a very hard time producing breast milk as their body is adjusting the the early delivery, stress of having a pre term child and of course any circumstances that may have contributed to a pre term delivery. Every child born deserves to be given the best start possible and though THEIR mothers milk is best...second best is another mothers. I feel very blessed to have the supply of milk that I do and am happy I am able to help other mothers and their children have a healthy start.
So, today was the day I signed my life away...well, at least 200 oz of my liquid gold away. In return I get an amazing feeling of satisfaction in being able to help others and an awesome t-shirt to go along with my swelling sense of fulfillment.
During my last experience with Hyperemesis I joined an online support group to help me through my misery and remind me I was not alone in my struggle and I realized that some women were much less fortunate than myself. Another woman in the group had her daughter 4 days after Adelyn was born and her health, weight and nutrition were so significantly compromised she was unable to lactate. The doctors discouraged her from even trying! I couldn't imagine being in her shoes.
Nutrition these days has not been an issue for me. I pump. Exclusively. Meaning my daughter gets nothing but breast milk, but from a bottle. Because I am pumping exclusively my supply isn't necessarily dictated by HER needs but by my pumping schedule and my supply is a supply of plenty. I honestly have enough milk to feed her for 2-3 months if I were to stop producing today and now my deep freeze is full (we had to buy a new freezer to have storage for all of it). Now, any nursing mom will tell you breast milk is "liquid gold". There is nothing healthier for a child than the nourishment that comes from their mother but what if their mother can't produce it? Formula isn't the only option.
Due to my abundance of supply I started investigating what to do with it. I became aware of a few milk banks, that is right I said milk banks, in Southern California which accepted donations of breastmilk which they would test, pasteurize and forward to needy recipients. After researching a handful of them I found my match. They are based out of Southern California, have a cute name ("Milkin' Mamas") and donate their milk to NICU units and place a special emphasis on Very Low Birth Weight Babies, pre filling 10 ml syringes for hospital use. There are a number of reasons for low birth weight babies, the most prominent of these being pre-term delivery. When pre-term delivery occurs mothers often have a very hard time producing breast milk as their body is adjusting the the early delivery, stress of having a pre term child and of course any circumstances that may have contributed to a pre term delivery. Every child born deserves to be given the best start possible and though THEIR mothers milk is best...second best is another mothers. I feel very blessed to have the supply of milk that I do and am happy I am able to help other mothers and their children have a healthy start.
So, today was the day I signed my life away...well, at least 200 oz of my liquid gold away. In return I get an amazing feeling of satisfaction in being able to help others and an awesome t-shirt to go along with my swelling sense of fulfillment.
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