Missing.

I miss my husband. It doesn't make sense to me that he is in some sort of parallel universe to mine. His night is my day. His day is my night. I sit at home and wait patiently for phone calls that may not come and cling to my phone like it is the source of oxygen because that five minute phone call...gives me just enough of his voice to carry on with my day. I find myself crying over little things...like coffee and PT clothes.
And feel very silly now ever bitching during his last deployment. Kids weren't involved and when he left the only person I had to worry about was myself. Now...even though he is only gone for a short time...I have much more responsibility. I have my family to worry about. Colin and Brendan MISS there daddy like crazy. I am not sure if they know exactly what is wrong but they know that something isn't right.
At bedtime they cling to me as if I may never come back. They look out the window in the living room and ask "daddy". But how on earth do you explain this to a toddler and it is heartbreaking. Going to be alone night after night is something that I am no longer used to. It makes it hard to sleep. I awake in a startle expecting him to be there. I look at the clock quickly thinking "he will be home soon"...and am kicked back into my sad reality that he will be home "soon" but "soon" won't be coming today.
I have temporarily lost my husband...and my best friend. Who do I share my little excitements with? My kids I guess. I have no one here to laugh with, to cry to or to hug and it is a pretty lonely place. Even lonlier when everyone is in bed.
I finally realize what it means to have no time for myself. I get through my day put my kids to bed and realize at 9 pm that the only thing I have eaten is a handful of grapes and graham crackers. I savor the 10 minute shower I take at night as my alone time. And find my zen in watching my children sleep.
Because besides those ten minutes at the end of my day and staring at the peaceful nature of my children in slumber...I have little to cling to...besides a phone call. But, as the days pass...it get's easier. I think...but yea, I REALLY miss my husband.

Colin, Brendan and One Big Word.

Idioglossia, it is a term used to describe "twin talk", which is the language that many twins speak amongst each other. This "secret language" that my boys share is quite amazing, they speak to one another, respond to one another and interact with one another while my husband and I sit perplexed at how they could possibly understand what is being "said". But, nothing is being said at all. "Twin Talk" actually occurs because one twin is mimiking the immature and underdeveloped language characteristics of the other. What this ultimately does is delay the speech progression of the children.
My twins were evaluated today by a speech therapist that assured me that this was the most common problem among multiples and is a problem that is easily corrected with extensive speech therapy as well as "independent interaction training". WTH? I thought. I never thought of seperating my boys! They love each other. ALOT. And neither of them have ever been apart for more than a few minutes. But, seperating them and allowing them to interact with other children and adults independent of each other forces them out of their formed language to learn the proper way to say things, use language and force communication.
This idea was amazing to me. That they have truly created their own language of sorts, not based on the secret twin voodoo that exists, but because neither has developed their language skills so their interactions, other than with me and my husband, are limited to incorrect ones.
The other big problem in their language development...? ME. Yep, I said it. And I fully admit to my faults. I AM A PROBLEM IN THIS EQUATION. It is much simpler to fulfill their needs than forcing them to vocalize what they want. My children know a limited number of words in sign language and they are well aware of how to get what they want. They want a snack they pull their high chairs out and crawl in. They want juice, they hand me their cups. They want me to play they bring me toys and pull on me. I don't FORCE them to use words. There is simply not enough time in my day...or so I thought. I knew months ago that there was a language delay and kept telling myself they will catch up. They haven't. If anything they are getting further behind. It is a frustrating place to be at. I have an enorormous problem with labeling children...especially my own...or should I say I HAD an enormous problem. I have realized that this situation is simply beyond my expertise. Being a mom, sometimes isn't the only qualifications one needs to help their children excel. I just wish I would have addressed the problem sooner.
Because now I have two boys, two amazing and beautiful boys, who are functioning above their age in gross physical and motor skills, functioning at age level at comprehension of language and expression but are falling nearly TWELVE MONTHS behind in vocal development. TWELVE MONTHS. I almost cried. But, realize that I am only human and there is only so much time in the day and after being assured and reassured that this will all be okay, that this is completely normal and very common for multiples and accepting that beginning Monday morning my children will be labled as "verbally delayed". I am okay with this.
STAY STRONG AND CARRY ON, right?

Kangaroo Care

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-500430/Doctors-gave-20oz-baby-dead---I-saved-life-cuddle.html

So in order to understand this blog you need to read the link.
I am incredibly passionate about Kangaroo Care. For those of you unfamiliar with the term it refers to the idea of a newborn child being given to it's mother immediatly after birth. This article is amazing and shows that true miracle that exists when a child is born. Children are meant to immedialtely be embraced by their mother. SKIN TO SKIN. This type of contact not only encourages the let down of a mothers milk but encourages the newborn to naturally find and latch on to a mothers breast. It enables to baby to receive the same warmth that they were receiving in utero. And new studies have suggested that skin to skin contact between mother and child in the days after birth reduces the rate of "baby blues".
When my twins were born, they were born via cesarean. An uncomplicated cesarean, came in weighing the size of signletons, suffered no complications and yet they were whisked away to the NICU unit where they stayed for HOURS. I asked for my children numerous times. I wanted to breast feed them immediatly but the hospital would not bring them to me. I knew after that experience I never wanted that to happen again. I lost the first hours of their life to a hospital staff that had little regard for my wants and desires (all though I LOVED my nurses--after the first day). That experience sparked my desire to seek out a VBAC during my second pregnancy which i was not able to have...but Adelyn's delivery was much different. Though she also was born cesarean, there were complications. At some point during my surgery my core body temperature began dropping VERY quickly which meant her body temperature was dropping quickly too. My uterus began contracting abnormally which was placing unneeded pressure on her. Once she was successfully delivered I was put back together and taken to the recovery room. Within seconds of arriving, my angel of a surgical nurse came in and said "she is having some trouble regulating her body temperature" I almost started crying. I wanted her then! Not in a couple of hours per my last experience...and then she said "Let me bring her to you. You guys can help each other" (My temperature was still only about 96 at this point). Withint 15 minutes Addy and I were snug as little bugs. It was amazing to realize that we were practically breathing in unison and an incredible experience to have her with me so soon.
I LOVE CMH because of their kangaroo care practices. A mothers touch and love cannot be replaced by machines. Baby warmers or blankets.
This article is truly a testament to that. : )

And for those of you not familiar with conversion 20 oz is 1 lbs 4 oz. That truly is the tiniest baby I have ever heard of surviving!