Tommorrow.

Okay. So after long awaited anticipation tommorrow is almost here. I have been hesitant to share with anyone other than those who are near and dear to me what exactly I am having done. So here it is. I am having an abdominoplasty.
I have taken a fair amount of slack from some of my family members and friends regarding this procedure which is part of my reason for being hesitant to share with people. But, there it is. Out in the open. If you have a problem with it I suggest you suck my big toe.
So I do want to discuss a few things. My biggest criticism that has come from people is "but you are so thin now". My abdominoplasty has nothing to do with weight loss, although I WILL lose about TWO to THREE pounds of extra skin. I currently weigh 117 pounds and can honestly say I am the thinnest I have been since high school. My bmi has been calculated at 20.3% which is pretty damn close to perfect...and fully clothed I will say I look pretty good for having three children under the age of two. But, without the clothes is a different story. I have two things going on with my belly. A. A medical condition called diastatis recti, this condition means that my abdominal muscles are seperated beyond the point of return. When I had the twins, lets remember they were both larger than my recent addition, my abdominal muscles ended up on each side of the gigantic mountain that the boys created in place of my stomach. I also exploded to a numerical figure that I thought I would never reach on the scale 211. That is right I gained roughly 75 pounds during that pregnancy. So, back to the diastasis...this creates a number of legitimate MEDICAL problems. 1. Back pain, a weak abdominal core means your back muscles have to work twice as hard. 2. Risk of hernia (I have already had a pretty significant one corrected.)
3. Reduced abdominal structure that could result in the shifting of internal organs.
Okay, so now that the medical part of this is out of the way yes, a LARGE...and by LARGE I mean 99.9% part of this is "cosmetic" and "selfish"...as the choice words of a few. I am 26 years old which means that I have to live in THIS body for at least 60 more years. I am done having children.
My belly, looks like pizza dough, honest to God...and if you don't want to see the picture STOP READING NOW AND EXIT because I decided I may as well show everyone what this looks like so you can understand where I am coming from.
It is fondly refered to by M.O.M.s as twin tummy. It happens to the best of us. There are those moms that bounce back from babies looking gorgeous and amazing and then there are others (aka myself) who have 13 pounds of child in her that despite every honest attempt could not keep my belly beautiful.
I love my children with everything in me and don't want to look back 10 years from now resenting them and my husband for leaving me with a body I despise. I want to look in the mirror without wanting to cry. I want to feel comfortable in the skin that God gave me and if it takes a doctor to get me there then so be it. I understand that he may not be a miracle worker but he is the closest thing to one I can think of.
I have people tell me "be happy with who you are"...these people CLEARLY have no idea what this feels like.
There are days when I don't want to leave my house because I feel like I look "pregnant". I cry more days than not because I catch a sight of my stomach in the mirror. I haven't gone without wearing an abdominal supporter a SINGLE day besides though that I was pregnant with Addy. I haven't been able to shop without restraint because some things just don't look right with such a small waist and this strange, doughy lump and I can't wait for those days to be gone. I want to take my children to the beach and be happy to wear a bathing suit. Hell, I am not even being picky a one peice will do...which at this point isn't even possible.
I want to wear a little black dress without feeling like people are crticizing what I look like and I want my belly to match the rest of my body.
So, call it vanity...say it is selfish...but it is ME doing ME.
If you don't like it and don't support it...you can get bent because those who love me most have seen the tears that I have cried and know the pain that I feel...and selfish pain or not it hurts and is psychologically overwhelming. I can honestly say (excuse my french here), of all the times I have been psychologically mind fucked by myself this is the worst. Maybe it is part body dysmorphic disorder and maybe part OCD but literally feeling displaced from my abdomen is the strangest feeling ever. I honestly want to kill it...clearly, I don't want to kill myself...but IT I want IT gone.
It is strange to feel like a part of you doesn't belong. Strange, strange feeling. And I want it gone. And this surgery is going to provide that. Make the tears go away. Make the pain go away and finally give me what I need to be comfortable in my own skin. Give me back some of the confidence that I have lost with this "twin tummy" that I have been given and give me back a part of myself...so like I said. There it is. Out in the open. Welcome to my world.