Sight.

Well, it finally happened. I guess somewhere, deep down I knew it would. It had to. It was the inevitable. There had to be a day that my illness hit me in the face screaming "Tamara, you have multiple sclerosis". Yesterday, was that day. I woke up partially blind in my right eye. It was strange as I processed the idea. It wasn't black, it wasn't white it was nothing. Nothing is scary as hell because nothing is totally unknown. I calmly told Steven we needed to go to the Emergency Room, as we waited for my sister and father to arrive I sat upstairs suddenly realizing my worst fear about this disease had been realized. I was losing my sight. Vision, like many things is totally taken for granted, that is until it is gone. So many thoughts were running through my head attacking my sanity: what if you don't see again, what if you can never see your children again-that thought was numbing and nauseating-they are my reason for breathing. For fighting like hell to make sure mommy doesn't change in their eyes. I don't want them knowing mommy is sick. How do I explain that mommy cant say. I would miss all of the "mommy, watch this moments that I absolutely live for. My heart began to ache and eventually I broke down. I cried. Heavily. I hate saying "this isn't fair" because there are far more people inflicted with conditions that are far beyond mine. But, it is my fall back. It isn't fair. Why me? Why now? Ugh. These thoughts haunt me but then I remember there is no sense crying about what is going on. When I am crying I am not fighting and I am going to fight this like hell. I am going to fight through the sight loss, the hospital stay, the pain, because there is no sense in lying down and living in the world of "this isn't fair". So, for now I am going to rock this eye patch, do the gangster lean with my IV pole and hope the high heavens the steroids don't jack me up to the point where I am an angry little demon.