Friends.

Well, I am moved. Out of the hospital, feeling better and finally moved. And to be honest, it feels good. The bone chilling cold will take some getting used to. But, the hometown hospitality here in Casper is something that I am certainly not used to. This is the type of white picket fence town that I always dreamed of raising a family THIS is my dream. It almost feels like a whirlwind has picked me up and carried me through the last few months. But, what an amazing whirlwind it has been. I learned that I have a life altering illness but also learned that I am strong enough to stand up to it. I realized that I have the ability to leave everything I have ever known and am emotionally put together enough to accept the change with each and I have had a lot of time to really look at the friendships that my entire life has been built upon. I ran across an anonymous quote today "True friendship isn't about being there when it is convenient, it is about being there when it is not". It is amazing how blindingly clear that trouble can make your friendships. As most everyone knows, in October I was given a pre-diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. This is not an easy diagnosis to hear. And I certainly was no exception. I have never felt weaker, never have I been so absolutely overcome with desperation. I work in a world of the "known" and not knowing drives me absolute insane. And that is exactly what Multiple Sclerosis is, totally and completely unknown. On December 15, after spending nearly a month of being poked and prodded and told what I "probably" had. My diagnosis became absolutely definitive. On that morning, I woke up blind in my right eye. Overnight, this mystery, "probably" illness had began taking something from me that I had totally taken for granted. My sight. But,that wasn't the only thing I lost. I lost friends. Which probably worked out for the better. I deserve better than fair weather people who are only around when it is convenient. I deserve people in my life that are going to support me when I need them to, not when they want to. I know that spending time in a hospital, with someone who is blind in one eye, who has zero depth perception and is bed bound by an IV, seriously interrupts with the social aspects of the weekend...but it also meant more to me than anyone could imagine. I sat there for FIVE days becoming sickeningly familiar with everything that "could" happen to me. I slowly began to realize that my entire life was now written in two chapters. Before December 15 and After December 15. Everything in my life that I once knew for certain no longer made sense. My world was completely and totally unknown. I was forced to accept that I could wake up any day with a new unwelcomed symptom of my illness. I could be blind, I could be deaf, I could lose my ability to walk, to speak, to move my limbs. That is my new reality. And I sat. Alone. And completely scared. What amazed me the most about the "aloneness" was that I was always under the impression that I had a bounty of friends. I was the life of the proverbial party. When it was time to go out drinking or have a party, I had friends falling out of my ears. But, then, the time I actually NEEDED people around, very few people were there. For those who came to visit, THANK YOU. For those who provided temporary distraction through phone calls, THANK YOU. You gave me everything I needed. Distraction. Mindless conversation, laughs and a way to get my mind off the very shitty reality I now faced. My diagnosis hasn't changed me. But, it certainly has changed the way I view certain people.