Car seats and other what nots...

I have always been perplexed by the general argument "Well, my parent did...AND I turned out 'just fine". Beautiful. I am impressed. Would you like a round of applause? My mom made some really uncool decisions as far as my rearing but I am not going to run around bragging about them. While many of these statements drive me to sheer insanity. The one that get's my grit that absolute most is that about car seat safety and extended rear facing. I mean, after all, it is only your kids safety...if not there life at risk. I am sure if someone told you that you could lose up to 500% more weight by drinking a cup of lemon water every morning that you would take up stock in the lemon business but someone tells you that it is 500% safer for your child to be rear facing until the age of two and suddenly they are a "pushy bitch" who should mind their own business? Well, sorry for showing an ounce of care and concern about your child. I may be old school in that nature but I believe that it takes a village to raise a child and if not a village the care and compassion from people other than yourself. Here are my basic arguments for ERF 1. It is 500% safer 2. There is this absolutely HORRIFIC thing called internal decapitation that occurs when an infants head is thrown forward violently when they are forward faced too soon. Don't believe me? Google it. Or better yet...watch this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8gU9zzCGA8 Still not sold on the idea?? www.joelsjourney.com No parent or grandparent should EVER be forced to tell this story. And to think...it could have been prevented by keeping the car seat rear facing. 3. In Scandanavian countries, children are frequently rear faced until 3 or 4 and have a substantially lower infant/toddler accident involved death rate when statistically compared to the US. 4 A secondary study of 870 automobile accidents in the US showed that children rear facing past the age of two were 4 times less likely to be seriously injured in an accident. FOUR TIMES. 5. Let's go back to internal decapitation. Children ARE NOT "pint sized adults". They are children who a physiologically less developed than adults. Their necks cannot withstand the force of most automobile accidents. 6. There has not EVER and I do mean EVER REPORTED been a case of a child breaking a leg in an automobile accident because they were rear facing. And I suppose if there were a million of them I would still deem my child's neck and spinal cord "more important" than their legs. But, hey, that's just me and I may be weird... Yea, I know the tone of this probably came off bitchy but I am not much into beating around the bush or sugar coating things for peoples ignorance. Have a nice day folks.

Friends.

Well, I am moved. Out of the hospital, feeling better and finally moved. And to be honest, it feels good. The bone chilling cold will take some getting used to. But, the hometown hospitality here in Casper is something that I am certainly not used to. This is the type of white picket fence town that I always dreamed of raising a family THIS is my dream. It almost feels like a whirlwind has picked me up and carried me through the last few months. But, what an amazing whirlwind it has been. I learned that I have a life altering illness but also learned that I am strong enough to stand up to it. I realized that I have the ability to leave everything I have ever known and am emotionally put together enough to accept the change with each and I have had a lot of time to really look at the friendships that my entire life has been built upon. I ran across an anonymous quote today "True friendship isn't about being there when it is convenient, it is about being there when it is not". It is amazing how blindingly clear that trouble can make your friendships. As most everyone knows, in October I was given a pre-diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. This is not an easy diagnosis to hear. And I certainly was no exception. I have never felt weaker, never have I been so absolutely overcome with desperation. I work in a world of the "known" and not knowing drives me absolute insane. And that is exactly what Multiple Sclerosis is, totally and completely unknown. On December 15, after spending nearly a month of being poked and prodded and told what I "probably" had. My diagnosis became absolutely definitive. On that morning, I woke up blind in my right eye. Overnight, this mystery, "probably" illness had began taking something from me that I had totally taken for granted. My sight. But,that wasn't the only thing I lost. I lost friends. Which probably worked out for the better. I deserve better than fair weather people who are only around when it is convenient. I deserve people in my life that are going to support me when I need them to, not when they want to. I know that spending time in a hospital, with someone who is blind in one eye, who has zero depth perception and is bed bound by an IV, seriously interrupts with the social aspects of the weekend...but it also meant more to me than anyone could imagine. I sat there for FIVE days becoming sickeningly familiar with everything that "could" happen to me. I slowly began to realize that my entire life was now written in two chapters. Before December 15 and After December 15. Everything in my life that I once knew for certain no longer made sense. My world was completely and totally unknown. I was forced to accept that I could wake up any day with a new unwelcomed symptom of my illness. I could be blind, I could be deaf, I could lose my ability to walk, to speak, to move my limbs. That is my new reality. And I sat. Alone. And completely scared. What amazed me the most about the "aloneness" was that I was always under the impression that I had a bounty of friends. I was the life of the proverbial party. When it was time to go out drinking or have a party, I had friends falling out of my ears. But, then, the time I actually NEEDED people around, very few people were there. For those who came to visit, THANK YOU. For those who provided temporary distraction through phone calls, THANK YOU. You gave me everything I needed. Distraction. Mindless conversation, laughs and a way to get my mind off the very shitty reality I now faced. My diagnosis hasn't changed me. But, it certainly has changed the way I view certain people.

MS=

What is MS? I have had this question asked more times than not and the truth is I am still trying to gain an understanding of this condition. So, I guess I am going to do this in two parts, first I will give you a little clinical background on MS and then I will tell you what MS means for me. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a chronic and often times disabling condition that causes the bodies immune system to attack the central nervous system. Your CNS is comprised of your brain, spinal cord and optic nerves. This disease process is thought to be triggered by a combination of one or more environmental factors and the person needs to be genetically susceptible. That said, these are just hypotheses as the disease has much of the medical community stumped, so to speak. These environmental factors include but may not be limited to: 1. An immunologic factor: this is one of the newest theories in MS causation and it is now being considered that it may be an immune-mediated process, rather than an autoimmune process (yes, I know this is kinda confusing-even to me). This theory states that the immune system is somehow tricked into perceiving the myelin sheath (the fatty tissues surrounding the nerves) as an invader, therefore, the immune system initiates an assault against it. Researchers have effectively been able to isolate the immune cells responsible for this process. There is varying research that suggests that the immune response may be the result of a hyper-active response to a virus or a vaccination. 2. Environmental-MS occurs more frequently further from the equator. Epidemiologists (scientists who study disease patterns) show that people born in particular areas have a higher risk of developing MS. This scatter groups are being looked into. I was raised in Ventura County and Ventura County is one of these scatter pattern groups. While these patterns are being investigated nothing conclusive has been found. 3. Infectious-this ties into the immunologic factor. This theory discusses that exposure to viruses, bacteria and other microbes in childhood could possibly illicit this immunologic response. There are currently more than a dozen illnesses and vaccinations being investigated as a possible factor in developing MS. 4. Genetic-MS is not hereditary at least not in the strict sense that we think of hereditary patterns. Common genetic factors may be present within families but it is thought because the genetic predisposition may be carried through gene lines. Okay now moving on to the damage. As part of the immune attack on the central nervous system, myelin (the fatty substance that surrounds and protects the nerve fibers in the central nervous system) is damaged, as well as the nerve fibers themselves. The damaged myelin forms scar tissue (sclerosis), which gives the disease its name. When any part of the myelin sheath or nerve fiber is damaged or destroyed, nerve impulses traveling to and from he brain and spinal cord are distorted or interrupted, producing the variety of symptoms. So what are the common symptoms of MS? Well, truth be told there is no "common" MS. There is the textbook definition and then there is the real life MS. MS is different for everyone who experiences it. No two people experience things in the same way or the same pattern, so trying to relate to someone on a symptomatic level is an incredibly difficult thing. The most common symptoms, however, are: Fatigue, numbness and tingling, problems walking, bowel and bladder dysfunction, vision problems, dizziness are vertigo, sexual dysfunction, pain, cognitive and emotional disturbances, depression, spastic muscles (cramping), problems swallowing, headaches, hearing problems, itching, tremors and seizures. So, like I said these are the "textbook" MS symptoms but these aren't the symptoms that effect everyone and no two MS cases are alike. So, now that I have given you a cliffs notes run down about what it is and how it presents. I will tell you what MS means from me. From the best of my recollection, I began presenting with MS about a year a half ago. I had my first experience with numbness and tingling in my right foot that lasted about a week. However, numbness and tingling happen for a variety of reasons and obviously I didn't run off to the physician saying I have MS. For anyone that has known me for any amount of time I am the shoe queen and high heels are kinda my thing. So it was easy to attribute this pain to my choice in shoe wear. About a year ago, it happened again, to a much more severe extent. I was sent to an orthopedist since I have idiopathic scoliosis. The orthopedist could find nothing anatomically wrong that could be attributed to the pain and discomfort. I was given muscle relaxants, pain reliever, physical therapy and sent on my way. Again, the pain and discomfort moved along and I was pretty much symptom free for another 6 months. About three months ago while traveling on business, I was unable to swallow. I had to have the Heimlich maneuver performed and was unable to swallow for about 20 to 30 minutes after. I had NO IDEA what the hell was going on. But, like all other symptoms I rationalized it as some sort of traveling weirdness. So, fast forward to October of this year. My feet were doing terrible I was having these weird feelings, like bugs, crawling and biting under my skin, once that stopped the pain was such a deep hurt, something that I can't explain as I have never felt it before. It was unrelenting. On October 28th, I awoke with the toes and base of my right foot totally numb. I showered and prepared for work and the numbness and tingling crept higher by the time about 30 minutes had past it was up to my knee and it was time to go to the emergency room. It was there I had a CT scan that suggested a demyelinating process. That Monday I saw a neurologist who was dismissive at best and have spent the last few weeks navigating through neurologists, MRIs, my primary care physician and now...the hospital. Over the past week, I have had some pain and pressure with mild visual changes in my right eye. On Saturday morning I awoke with blind spots and again it was time to head to the emergency room. My MRI showed an active lesion on my occipital lobe (the spot that isr responsible for vision perception). I also have two other small areas of activity and several small lesions scattered over my brain with two larger ones. Over the last three days, I have gradually had strange vision changes which include the reduction of my visual field in both my right and left eye that is expected to get worse before it gets better. Right now, it is almost like the bottom half of my vision is gone. Like I explained in yesterday's blog. So, what does MS mean for me? It means unrelenting pain in my legs. It means crying myself to sleep more often than not, it means losing my vision, it means never knowing when I am not going to be able to swallow, it means fatigue that hurts to the bone, like this really terrible, disgusting tiredness and there is not a damn thing I can do to make it better, right now it means daily drips on steroids that make me want to crawl out of my skin, it means crying daily about the unknown and fearing for the future, it means 15 pills a day just to keep the symptoms at bay. Yep, right now that is what MS means for me. It isn't fun, not knowing. It is scary and lonely. But, it is what it is. I have MS. MS DOES NOT have me.

Sight.

Well, it finally happened. I guess somewhere, deep down I knew it would. It had to. It was the inevitable. There had to be a day that my illness hit me in the face screaming "Tamara, you have multiple sclerosis". Yesterday, was that day. I woke up partially blind in my right eye. It was strange as I processed the idea. It wasn't black, it wasn't white it was nothing. Nothing is scary as hell because nothing is totally unknown. I calmly told Steven we needed to go to the Emergency Room, as we waited for my sister and father to arrive I sat upstairs suddenly realizing my worst fear about this disease had been realized. I was losing my sight. Vision, like many things is totally taken for granted, that is until it is gone. So many thoughts were running through my head attacking my sanity: what if you don't see again, what if you can never see your children again-that thought was numbing and nauseating-they are my reason for breathing. For fighting like hell to make sure mommy doesn't change in their eyes. I don't want them knowing mommy is sick. How do I explain that mommy cant say. I would miss all of the "mommy, watch this moments that I absolutely live for. My heart began to ache and eventually I broke down. I cried. Heavily. I hate saying "this isn't fair" because there are far more people inflicted with conditions that are far beyond mine. But, it is my fall back. It isn't fair. Why me? Why now? Ugh. These thoughts haunt me but then I remember there is no sense crying about what is going on. When I am crying I am not fighting and I am going to fight this like hell. I am going to fight through the sight loss, the hospital stay, the pain, because there is no sense in lying down and living in the world of "this isn't fair". So, for now I am going to rock this eye patch, do the gangster lean with my IV pole and hope the high heavens the steroids don't jack me up to the point where I am an angry little demon.

Everything leaves a mark

I ran across this quote today on pinterest while browsing through quotes to add to the decorations on my bodily temple. I wanted something that would highlight this new moment, this new chapter in my life but feel strongly against getting anything "MS awareness" on my body. I don't feel I need to brand myself with the Scarlet MS letter and would rather have something subtle with meaning to me and to those who know me. Well, I got to thinking about this quote "everything leaves a mark". I never realized how very true this was, but then again, I never really thought about it, until now. Everything we do, every minute, every moment, every action...leave a mark. Sometimes the mark is more indelible than others but the mark has been made. And chances are we are living these moments of our lives never realizing how permanent and lasting some of these marks may be. These marks may be perfect and amazing or horrible and disastrous. The marks may be beautiful or they may be ugly. But, they are marks nonetheless. Isn't that a profound thought? Every second of your life a make is being made. Every action that is being performed is forever altering you or the life of someone else. But, far beyond this lies our own personal power and control over these marks. We have the power of response. We cannot change what is happened but we can absolutely control our reactions. This week has been a challenging week for me. My pain level has been through the roof, I have spent most of my days restless and in tears. But, I have refused to let my children be affected by this. I will not allow this mark to be left on my children. They are too young to understand anything beyond "mommy doesn't feel good" and whiile I am busy focusing on not leaving a mark on my children. My children are leaving a mark on me. They remind me every day what I live for. They remind me what I am fighting for and they are my inspiration to wake up every day and to fight like hell. Everything leaves a mark.

This is now my journey

About three weeks ago...I got a pretty shitty diagnosis. I am still in shock. There is no doubt about that. I am going through various stages: grief, anger, fear, acceptance and then it starts all over again. But, here I am 28 years old, figuring, incredibly irrationally, apparently that I have been through enough in my life. I have dealt with enough hard stuff in my years on this earth that now was the time that I was going to start REALLY living. To start being rewarded for the struggles that I have already faced. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. Apparently, I was silly to think that there existed some cosmic balance sheet between adversity and fortune. Apparently, God doesn't keep tally. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen but damn, when do I get a break? To be honest, I can't say the words "multiple sclerosis" without crying. I can type it. I can text it. But, the actual words coming out of my mouth...yea, that isn't even close to happening without a blubbering, gasping tear filled girl overtaking whatever composure I still have. I think a part of me believes that refusing to acknowledge this silent devils presence, will some how, make it not exist. Today is not a good day, I am told I am in the middle of what is probably my third exacerbation of this illness, so as I type my extra special immune system is taking charge of my body, attacking the myelin that coats my nerve endings, leaving my nerve endings exposed and firing completely uncalled for responses. My feet are numb, my legs are on fire and the feeling is just creeping higher. When I walk, I feel like I am stepping on broken glass. This isn't my body right now. This is MS's body. But, it won't always be. I might not reclaim it tomorrow. That is okay with me. I will eventually. When I learn to gain full acceptance. I will always hate this disease. But, I am choosing not to look into the future and all of the things that it might steal from me and instead look at all of the things that I will accomplish WITH this disease. This is best for my serenity. I have been told the anger might never go away, that "why me's?" will forever lurk...so instead of saying I wont be angry I am going to say I will make an effort to modify my anger with a certain degree of resignation. I will probably never acept this disease. It is unfair, it is horrible but it is life. And I am choosing to live this life to it's fullest regardless of what it brings me. I refuse to let those who support me be disappointed with me. They give me far more credit than I deserve at this point.

So, I figured I would bump this blog and make some changes to it.

Why we no longer vaccinate: The short of the long. When the twins were born we were fortunate enough to have an amazing pediatrician who strictly followed the Dr. Sears schedule. He believed in educated consent and FULLY made us aware of the risks and benefits of the vaccinations our children recieved. While I was pregnant, I had a beautifully amazing friend Nikk, who was a God send in teaching me about informed consent. I am forever grateful of the gift of education that she gave me. With Adelyn, I planned on continuing to use the alternative vaccination schedule that we did with the boys. We did one shot at a time, eliminated some vaccinations and waited on others. This plan worked flawlessly the first time and I assumed we would have the same results. Boy was I wrong. Addy and I packed up and got ready for her three month check up. She was petite in size and hadnt had a well child since birth so I figured we may as well go. That morning Addy was cooing, smiling and carrying on as she always did. She was declared perfectly healthy. She was given a vaccination. The fact that we no longer vaccinate should say enough and I care not relive this expereince. This isn't just about my experience as a mother but the overall safaety of myself and my children. I have educated myself extensively over the last five years and have spent countless hours personally and professionally researching these points. I understand this will not be for every one. But, if you gain anything from what I am about to share with you learn to advocate for your own children. You are their champion. Act like it and always remember "know better, do better". I guess I will start with the vaccination schedule which I will include a picture of. Are you aware that America is the most vaccinated country in the world. Sadly, we also have the highest rate of SIDS and other "undiagnosed infant mortalities". Is this a coincidence or does a correlation exist? You can decide for yourself. Vaccine proponents have argued that shockingly high number of infant deaths that occur within days of the DTP vaccination are simply the result of the deaths simply occuring in the time frame that SIDS is likely to occur. The WHO even took it to the extent of stating it was faulty logic. Arguing that it was like saying "Eating bread causes car accidents". However, lets look at some studies that have been discounted by big Pharm. In 1980, Japan, concerned over the high number of infant mortalities seen after recieving the 3 month scheduled vaccination began delaying the first DTP vaccination until 24 months (I will touch on this milestone a little later). Statistically, the delay had a 75% reduction in infant mortality over a five year period. SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT! In 1985, Dr. Schniebner, a primary research physican for the government of Australia took assignment to research the rates of "crib death" that were occurring. Dr. Schniebner flawlessly recorded data that showed a TEN FOLD increase in "crib death" among infants who had recieved routine vaccinations within the past 7 days. This was not what the government was expecting. Thought the majority of the medical community in Australia chose to protect the interest of big Pharm and vaccine manufacturers. Her findings, which can be found under the tag "COT WATCH" were ultimately used as evidentiary research in the NEJoM and was published in the Journal of American Medical Association. She has also since published an amazing book "Vaccinations: 100 years of Orthodox research shows vaccinations are a medical assault on the immune system". Yes, I know...long title. GREAT BOOK. Okay, so back to the schedule. Oh and let's not forget that NUMEROUS vaccine manufacturer pamphlets list SIDS as a side effect. There are numerous graphical illustrations that represent the natural decline of a number of illnesses that vaccinations were created to "combat" along with the naturally declining rates that can be associated to a better understanding of the immune system, proper use of standard precautions and general increase in sanitary living conditions came the increase in a number of childhood ailments. ADD, ADHD and Autism, were unkown ailments in past generations. Pro vax groups simply say: they existed they were just coined as "weird, strange, not normal". I am not buying this argument. Had 1 in 88 individuals been "weird, strange, not normal" in past generations some serious red flags would have been raised. This concept of "it existed but didn't have a name" is flawing the real problem here. There is something environmental CAUSING these conditions. Do I believe vaccinations CAUSE autism. In short: no. However, I feel that vaccinations assault and overwhelm the immune system in such a way that permanent damage may occur.

In the mid 1900's: there were only 2 vaccines given before the age of 2. TWO vaccinations. Sure, argue that kids were dying all the time from "vaccine preventable illnesses" lets compare those rates with all of the children dying from SIDS or being affected by a life long disorder. Lets jump ahead about 40 years and put ourselves in 1984: I should have recieved a total of 8 shots before the age of two 13 by the age of 12. My mom didn't do so hot keeping up on them (a big hind sight is 20/20 hug momma). Speaking of the 80's...do you know the rate of Autism in the 1980's? 1 in 10,000 roughly. Notice that massively huge difference between now? Looking at my kids vaccination schedule today: they are to recieve 49 vaccinations! FORTY NINE. We are now vaccinating against common child hood illnesses: varicella, hib, rotavirus. The CDC and other organizations with their hands in pharmas pocket books use "worst case scenario" scare tactics to make parents believe that their children NEED "this" vaccination. Those are all pretty big words and heaven forbid my child catch rotavirus (stomach flu) or varicella (chicken pox). Not so scary when you word them for what they are, right? How about haemophilus influenzae? Typically, meaning 93% of the time this is nothing more than an ear infection or flu type illness, an additional 4% will contract bronchitis or cellulitis but look at the CDC webpage and they have a fancy pie chart (I hope you are following the math here) of cases of pneumonia, bactermia, meningitis, and other. However, read further this pie chart is only a statistical analysis of the 3% of people who end up with a "severe form" of the illness. Typically, these severe cases are found in the immunocompromised. So, continuing on with this incredibly flawed vaccine schedule. Not only are we vaccinating our children against relatively harmless conditions we are inundating their body with viruses that their immune systems are not equipped to fight. Children have on average 15 vaccinations before the age of one. BEFORE the age of ONE. When a child is born, it is the biological narrative that a mother breastfeed. By breastfeeding, a mother is able to pass her acquired immunity on to her child. This immunity allows a child to be ballooned in protection. The core of an immune system is the T-Cells, these cells are broken into two categories. T-1 and T-2 cells. Scientifically, it has been proven that T-2 cells, typically do not present until 9 to 12 months of age. This means that we are flooding an immature immune system with viruses they do not only have the inability to fight but have the poor ability to replicate and create the desired immune response. The logic in this process is incredibly flawed.

Sigh, okay now onto the ingredient list. Where do you get your ingredient information? I am going to go out on a limb and say you don't. Unless you have learned to ask for it. It is required by law that the vaccine manufacturers insert be provided at your reuest but many physicians choose not to hand them out and don't make that general information for you to know. That said, the pamplet isnt the only place you can find this information. The CDC does have this information available. The FDA and the manufacturers also will provide this information. If you LOOK for it. It isnt given to you. The toxins in these vaccinations are legitimized with claims of "too small for effect" or better yet the AMOUNT of the actual toxin isn't given and is instead replaced with the words "trace amounts". I for one, would like to know what "trace amounts" means if you think you are going to put it into my child. These ingredients include, but are not limited to: FORMALDEHYDE, MERCURY, ALUMINUM, AMMONIUM, SUCROSE, and GLYCINE. These are just some of the chemicals used, now are you ready for the REALLY gross stuff? How about human dipoloid cells from aborted fetuses, monkey kidney cells, fetal bovine serum, chick embryo, mouse serum protein, monkey kidneys. That is right...you are injecting you amazing little kids with some pretty gross stuff if you ask me. Yes, I know you can all jump off your "We are exposed to heavy metals everyday" soap box. I get that but I am not being exposed to these willingly. Never would I wake up and say "Today, I think I am going to make a mercury aborted fetal cell smoothies", yet when we vaccinate our children we are making the concious decision to put these things into our children. Let's not forget that the route of injecting a child causes a natural immune response in and of itself. When the skin barrier is broken the bodies natural response is to send antibodies to fight the possible infection. The ingredients listed above are just the ingredients that they KNOW are going to be present. Recently, there have been numerous cases of vaccine contamination. In the past three years nearly 15 different vaccinations have been recalled due to contamination. These contaminants have included: unidentified DNA, cellophane, H5N1 avian virus, bacilius cereus and egg protein (when not listed on the ingredient list).

Naturally, I will go into vaccination reactions from here. Yes, I said vaccination reaction. Let's not call them side effects, or possible side effects, that seriously underplays what is going on INSIDE your childs body when these rections occur. When a vaccination is given a childs (often underdeveloped) immune system is stunned. It responds not only to the trauma of the injection but to the presence of a foreign invader. The antigens sound the alarm that sends the lymphocytes to take over. There are two types of lymphocytes T-cells (remember those little guys from earlier?) and B cells. These cells fight the "infection" and ultimately certain T-cells and B-cells will be converted into "memory cells" meaning that they will remember the infection and what they did to fight it the last time it was encountered. However, in an underdeveloped immune system, the body is not only improperly eqipped to deal with the infection itself but often create faulty "memory" of the infection leading to the inability to protect itself upon re exposure. That said, vaccination DOES NOT equal immunity. It is false belief that vaccinations automatically assume immunity. Immunity is created by a healthy, mature immune system not a bunch of crap tossed together in a needle. Just like vaccinations potentially create this immunity, so does naturally built immunity. Your immune system is what is important here. Moving into these vaccine reactions. Some of the reactions commonly seen in children are fever, fussiness and inconsolable crying for up to three days. Can you imagine the absolute storm must be happening inside their small little bodies to CRY for THREE DAYS? You are made to believe that this is a "normal" reaction. I am going to tell you that this is NOT normal. Unfortunately, my family learned this the hard way. Typically, these cries are associated with cerebral inflammation (brain inflammation). This condition is called Rapid Onset Encephalitis. This is a real condition and happens more often than people think and is written off as a "common side effect". However, this reaction, though frequently overlooked are associated with serious and often permanent neurological damage. This stand alone fact is the reason why the argument "My child has all of his shots and is just fine" blows my mind. Maybe your child is "fine" now but maybe the long term effects of the "common side effects" haven't presented their ugly head not to mention it negates the experiences of those, like my family, with a vaccine injured child. If your child is "just fine" consider yourself fortunate. Because while I had two children who fared well through shots, I have one who didn't. 1 in 3 aren't awesome odds in my opion. Some of the other possible side effects listed on vaccine inserts include: SIDS (there it is again), seizures, autism, permanent brain damage, rash, fainting, loss of appetite, fever, swelling, abdominal pain, coma, death. For those of you that are undoubtedly saying "You pulled those off some crazy anti vaccination website". No I didnt. I went to the CDC website and typed in the words "Vaccination side effects" they are listed for every vaccine approved for use in the US. Don't believe me? Look for yourself. Now, for those of you who will argue those are rare. No, they are not. See for youself: http://vaers.hhs.gov/data/index Although, VAERS claims that "coincidences" make it difficult to determine whether these reactions are due to a medical condition or the vaccination themselves. More than $1.5 BILLION dollars have been paid to families who have been affected by these possibly "coincidental" events. My guess is that they are very aware these events are much more than mere coincidental events. Speaking of this money, are you aware that vaccine manufacturers cannot be sued? And instead a percentage of cost for every vaccination given in the US since 1986 goes to a vaccine injury fund. This is where the "hush money" goes to pay off families who have loved ones injured by a vaccination. If vaccine reactions were purely "coincidental occurances" this fund would not exist. Okay, now moving into the testing of vaccinations. Are you aware the it was only recently that many of the combined dose vaccinations were available? When these vaccinations were created they had been tested as safe in their single form. However, vaccine manufacturers were not required to test the combined dosing because the efficacy and safety of the single dose had been previously tested. As long as the formulation when combined did not change no further testing was required. This means that the actually effect of combining these vaccinations has never been tested to prove safety. Yet, they have been declared safe. Not really a risk I am willing to take. Many vaccinations also skirt the testing guidelines for quick release. The H1N1 is a prime example of this. The flu vaccination changes every year due to the circular pattern of viruses (I am not even going to go into the flu vaccine craziness, maybe in a later blog). H1N1 was identified as a healthcare crisis by the CDC, within weeks the vaccination was available and was being pushed on pregnant woman, children, elderly and other immune compromised individuals though testing and possible outcomes had NOT and WOULD not be tested on those groups. In fact, the H1N1 vaccination was given to pregnant women and the outcome and results were tracked over the next 9 months. You know what they found? A significant increase of miscarriage and still birth in women who recieved the vaccination. I am sure ANY of those women would have risked battling the virus if they would have known the life of their unborn child was on the line. I have frequently been asked how my children go to school with such limited vaccinations. Very easily. All 50 states have some sort of exemption program in place. Schools and school districts will often MAKE you believe that "No shots, no School" this is a completely false belief and perpetuates parents to the cyle of bullying that already exists in an attempt at a vaccination nation. It is a complete injustice that so many parents are misinformed and their PARENTAL RIGHT not to vaccinate their child is not only being misrepresented but they are made to thought it is MANDATORY. When this was originally written my children attended day care four days a week and we had NO problem with the vaccination schedule the boys were using. We simply had a letter from our physcian explaining the alternative schedule we were following. Current day, I am able to write a letter to the childrens school explaining that we don't vaccinate. The letter was short and explained our reason, however on silly forms that ask about vaccinations, I frequently come up with creative answers such as "Vaccinations are the devils blood" or "I am scared that they will get purple polka dots and turn into a flying giraffe". My reasoning for choosing to no longer vaccinate does not need to be public record but then again, I am in California. Now, I know by the end of the monsrocity of a blog post you are rolling your eyes and assuming that I am a complete granola crunching hippy. I assure you I am not. I encourage you to research all of the above points for yourself and am happily going to share some fo the sources with you. If you have any questions feel free to ask and remember YOU are the only advocate your child has. I don't care what side of the fence you stand on in the vaccination debate but I encourage you to KNOW why you stand there. www.fda.gov www.cdc.gov http://www.nvic.org/injury-compensation.aspx www.mercola.com www.drtenpenny.com “The Vaccine Book” By Robert Sears, MD www.vaccinenation.net "The sanctity of human blood: vaccination is not immunization" by Dr. Tim Oshea "Vaccinations: 100 years of Orthodox research shows vaccinations are a medical assault on the immune system" By Dr. Viera Scheibner Another great tool is to go to google type in "scholar" it will take you to a google link that will include NOTHING but PEER REVIEWED mmedically documented vaccine studies that will second many of the points I have made. Happy researching. -

So, this is what it feels like.

I have decided the most successful way to share what I am about to share is through writing about it. I am sure this will be drafted time and time again before I pull my big girl panties on and share it with you all and to be perfectly honest I am totally unsure of where I start. Do I just come out and say it? Do I try to explain what has been happening that has got us to this point? Long version or short version? How the HELL do I even begin to try and make sense of the emotions that I am currently feeling. So, you know what, I am just going to roll with whatever comes out knowing that this will be edited later. Today, I was told, by someone who I know is undoubtedly going to serve as an inspiration to me that nothing has me. A disease doesn't define the person. The person defines the disease and there is nothing better than beating the odds. I know, I know...what freaking disease is she talking about? I am getting there...I swear. And once I am done greiving, I swear I will live by that statement. There is no reason I should break, there is no reason I should fall down and there is no reason I should continue to sit here like a freaking train wreck. But, today I am. Tomorrow probably won't be much easier. But, I am told it will get better. Honestly, I can tell you NOW at this very moment, that I feel like I am no longer in control of my body. Like I am living in some parallel universe, feeling what I am feeling, hearing what I am hearing yet I am completely numb to the experience and I find myself thinking "So, this is that grief that everyone has talked about", the grief that overwhelms your entire soul when you are told something you don't want to hear. But, there is a flip side to this coin. The completely and totally liberating one that says "You are NOT crazy", these "feelings" of overall uneasiness were correct. My body knew there was something terribly wrong, though my heart and mind fought through the discomfort negating the feelings for something of less severity. But, this is now my life. And there is nothing I can do to change it. It amazes me at how quickly life changes. How almost instantly priorities and plans become demolished and forever changed. How quickly you begin thinking of all the stuff you need to do while you can...you know...before you cant. When I am done crying and my tears are dried, I will pull it together because honestly, as pissed as I am at the world today, the blessings that I have been given don't deserve me to lay down to this diagnosis. My children are going to learn what true strength means from me, they are going to see me fight like hell, not only to ensure that my life is as full and complete as it can possibly be but I will advocate my pants off for this cause. NO ONE deserves this discomfort, this emotional and physical pain, this absolutely nauseating internal crisis between KNOWING damn well that I am bigger than this but totally FEARING it is bigger than me. At some point, who knows when, the knowledge will take over the fear but at this point all I can do is educate myself. To remind myself of this daily, regardless of whether I believe it, to surround myself by those who will empower me and fulfill me. I refuse to be defined for anything other than what I always have been. I am a mother to three amazing children, a wife to the most incredible husband this world can offer, I am a daughter, a sister. I am me...just slightly modified. There is no number of brain lesionss, no amount of pain or discomfort that will change the core of me. I have Multiple Sclerosis. Multiple Sclerosis doesn't have me and now all I can do is make my good days out number my bad days. I will fight this. I will get through this and there will be a cure in my lifetime. Those are things I do KNOW.

parenting and junk.

AS a mother of twins at 23...I was completely LOST. Seriously, I broke down in tears...crying on the floor of my moms bedroom saying "I can't do this". But, someewhere inside me I found the strength to make it through sleepless nights, 2 am breastfeedings and poopy diapers up to my ears. Because I knew nothing about parenting and even less about parenting twins I made it my goal to educate myself on all issues baby. Breast feeding, co-sleeping, parenting styles, car seats and vaccinations.
Breast feeding the twins was not an easy task and unfortunately I was unable to keep up a supply to EBF them passed 4 months but I did what I couldand gave them what I could and for that I was happy. With Addy I was DEAD set on keeping this girl EBF for a year and here we are 2 months shy of her first birthday and I am still producing enough to keep my monkey happy and have enough stowed away to be a milk momma for an incredibly amazing family. There is no greater gift that I feel I can give besides that of health and of course spit-ups that don't stain everything. : )
Breast milk is liquid Gold...it prevents infection, builds up anti bodies, is naturally friendly to a babies GI system and is ALWAYS available...not to mention the perfect formulation of calories, fats, vitamins and minerals for a baby to thrive. I couldn't keep up with the boys and would never, ever say a mother wasn't doing her part if she was trying. I would, however, suggest that the lack of trying was incredibly selfish...and leave it at that. Their your boobs not mine and it is your child's health you are toying with.
As far as co-sleeping goes all three of my children co-slept with us until they were 9 months old. It worked for our family and created an incredible bond with my children. Knowing that they were always within arms reach was satisfying and reassuring as I struggled through the first months of anxiety and OCD. Reaching over and feeling their heart beat was a solid reminder that they were there and that they were mine.
Vaccinations are ugly little critters and are tricky as all heck to navigate around. When the boys were young we had an incredibly amazing family doctor who recommended and used an alternative vaccination schedule. Monthly the boys had an appointment to recieve vaccinations which allowed them to be spaced out, allowed any problems to be caught early and allowed me to be an active participant in their vaccination schedule. I don't buy into the "vaccinations cause autism" argument. I do, however, feel that vaccinations are scary things, too many are given at one time and doctors are all to quick to criticize parents for using alternative schedules. The CDC is not God and neither is my childs pediatrician. My boys were able to becone vaccinated without problem or upset my daughter on the other hand had a major side effect to what we are guessing was the DPT vaccination. There is no feeling more heart breaking than watching your newborn sieze, vomit and become practically unresponsive...so sure...knock my vaccination habits but until you can transport yourself back to that day in that doctors office I suggest you stay silent. My child will be fully vaccinated by the time she starts school...minus the few that are completely impractical and unnecessary and I will get waived by the State of California.
I have taken a considerable amount of heat from my carseat issues. My children were restrained Rear Facing until the age of two. Were they too tall? No absolutely not. Were their knees bunched and practically sitting cross legged? Absolutely. BUT it is recommended by the AAP that the SAFEST option for children is to be this way until at least the age of TWO or 30 pounds. There is a good possibility that I would have attempted to keep them rear facing until they turned 30 lbs if it wasn't for my husband pressuring "it is time".
Car seat safety is a no brainer. If someone is saying "this is the safest option" why wouldn't you do it? Yes, I am incredibly passionate about it because I have done my research I have watched the Internal decapitation videos and have talked to multiple CHP officers that have shared somee incredibly scary statistics with me.
I know that this is a relatively new recommendation but it will soon be state law (at least in California) which will deem it Child Endangerment for a child under two to be forward facing. It is ignorance for parents not to keep up to date on these laws and recommendations...and pratically stoning me for sharing these facts is kinda inappropriate. If you don't want to hear your safest options don't listen but don't tell me I am wrong for sharing the information.
I am not a perfect parent. Would never claim to be but I am educated. Do keep up to date on my information and feel it is important to share new information with my friends.

Thanks.

"Friends"

I am pretty sure that right around the time I got pregnant with the twins 90% of my "friends" decided that I wasn't either worth their time or now that I was with child I was simply no longer fun. Around the time I got pregnant with Addy, I am pretty sure a remaining 5% decided that they wanted nothing to do with someone with three kids. It hurt then and it hurts no less now.
Yes, I am married. Yes, I have three kids. Yes, I HAVE CHANGED. But, change pretty much comes in the package when you give birth...and I haven't changed for the worse. If anything, I have become a better, more complete person. Not something that is sub par. When I see old "friends" now...I really don't feel it necessary to say hello...or have pleasant chat. Maybe it is selfish but am I to believe you really care how I am doing? Or how my children and husband are doing? Or are you waiting anxiously to hear how miserable. Trust me, I notice when the twinge of disappointment pops onto your face when I tell you how absolutely amazing my life is. How truly blessed it is in every single way.
I don't really understand it. I understand that having a child (or in my case children) changes the dynamics of a "friendship" but to completely jump ship when you hear the word 'pregnant' like it is a nasty illness you don't want to catch is something completely different. It illustrates that "friendship" never existed...acquaintance at this point may be taking it to far. Someone I once hung out with may be the appropriate phrase. And the disappointment...I don't know. Maybe an expression I am mistaking for jealousy, resentment, anger. I am really not sure. But, what I do know is that people I would have NEVER thought I would have found myself talking to have become some of my closest confidants and those that I used to give my world for who have become no closer to me than complete strangers. You may know my past secrets but you no longer no my life.
I hear your whispers...and I see your looks. Contemplate amongst yourselves how the word "blessed" must really mean "I hate my life" and the word "amazing" is side speak for "miserable" but that is your life not mine. It is sad to see you at the same spot, in the same bar, that I left you in 4 years ago when I realized THAT could no longer be MY life.
So, that said...thanks for the good times. Thank you for assisting in making some of the most un-enjoyable, unsatisfying years of my life...and thank you for illuminating the true definition of a friend.

3 months.

So, it has been a little over three months since I have had my surgery. Happy doesn't begin to describe how I feel about the results.
I have abdominal definition...though I am definately going to need to work on a six pack and have a flat stomach FREE of sagging skin.
I vaguely remember after the surgery asking myself "why the hell did I do this?"
Now, I can see why. It was worth every ounce of pain and discomfort that I was in and was worth the uncomfortable recovery process without a doubt.
My belly button is still red around the edges, which is attributed less blood flow to the area which has made it slow to heal.
For awhile it was a having a rather triangular shape but it is gradually starting to look like something that is natural rather than something that was surgically relocated.
The skin sensations are still strange. From my belly button down, it feels like, the skin has fallen asleep so everytime I touch it it feels rather tingly. Sometimes when clothes rub against it, it feels kinda strange but I am getting used to the weird sensations. My doctor assures me that over time most of the feeling should come back to normal...but nerves on regenerate at 1-2 mm a day...so I have quite sometime on my hand.
My scar is flat in all areas but about an inch and a half on the right hand side. (The doctor will inject cortisol to the area if it does not flatten out). It is still a rather dark shade that I am not necessarily happy with but the trade off was definately worth it.
I have sucessfully brought my weight down to between 116-120, given the day of the week and am proud that my hard work and dedication ultimately paid off. Now just to tone this booty of mine. Alright...kiddos screaming. Gotta jet.

The New Tummy

Okay. So it has been 2 weeks and 1 day since my abdominoplasty and I honestly couldn't be happier with the results. I am going to be completely honest the first week was MISERABLE! Not painful by any means but MISERABLE. I had these awkward tube things sticking out of my body catching risidual nonsense and attempting to reduce the amount of fluid in my swollen abdomen (I know TMI) and then I had my pain pump which was pretty much magic in an awkward square aparatus. It injected a lovely combination of a anesthetic and morphine. FANTASTIC. I had it for 3 days...then not so fantastic. But nothing a little vicodin couldn't fix.
I walked like an old lady. Hunched over and slow as all hell and damn DID I HAVE A BACKACHE. It is amazing how much work our abdomens perform just when standing up straight and when you are relying on everything BUT them it is less than comfortable. And sleeping...uggg...I am a side sleeper. Which was, and still is out of the question. I have to lay on my back with my legs elevated and it is the most annoying thing ever. You would think the pain would keep me from sleeping? No...the lack of being able to sleep on my side kept me from sleeping but I am slowly getting used to it and was given permission to "try" side lying...we will see what happens. When the tubes came out, after a week, I honestly felt like a new person and not a freakish version of a high school science experiment. Showering felt amazing and having the freedom of actually wearing REAL pants as opposed to yoga pants was amazing (okay...so I am still totally living in yoga pants). So, at day 7 (same day I got the tubes removed...which was also the same day Steven came home, therefore making it the best Thursday in recent years) I got to see my tummy steri strip free. I was actually kind of taken back by the bruising, swelling and overall ickified appearance of what once was my stomach. I laid on the table actually thinking "what the hell did I do to myself". But, the thought was transient and quickly left my head as I examined myself in the awkward lighting of the post surgery room and realized ALL--that is right ALL of my stretch marks were gone. And swollen or not, dammit...it looked pretty damn good.
The second week went by pretty darn quickly...mostly because Steven was home and I was on cloud 9...but like anything in my life it didn't go by quickly without incident. Incident 1.) My belly button was dying. Seriously. Okay well, I found out today that it was a hematoma that the doctor sliced open and drained (tmi, I know) but yea...Monday it was dying...but not really. Does that even make sense? LOL.
Incident 2.) Colin slammed Brendans fingers in the door. Brendan screams. Mommy picks up Brendan. Mommy screams. Yea...worst pain since like 4 days post surgery the kind that curls you up in a little bawl and makes you want to punch something.
Thankfully, I didn't tear anything just kinda tugged on my stitches a little but but they are in tact but the area is still rather tender.
I have gone shopping and even with the swelling and abdominal binder one it is INCREDIBLY liberating to have clothes fit right...to not have to worry about my "pooch" showing through something and to not have to worry about my belly sneaking out of the bottom of a shirt. I can see abs...real ones...like ones I haven't seen since I was about 18. It is the most amazing experience ever. EVER. EVER.
I absolutely love my new figure...not that I didn't love the one I have before...but now everything fits. I don't feel oddly seperated from my middle section and I finally feel like I am back to ME!
Anywho...yea...so that is the last two weeks in a nutshell and now here and finally are the results of the tummy tuck. Excuse the red belly button...he was assaulted today...not to mention I had a latex bandaid on him when I am allergic to the crap.



And For Shits and giggles here is my science experiment look.

Tommorrow.

Okay. So after long awaited anticipation tommorrow is almost here. I have been hesitant to share with anyone other than those who are near and dear to me what exactly I am having done. So here it is. I am having an abdominoplasty.
I have taken a fair amount of slack from some of my family members and friends regarding this procedure which is part of my reason for being hesitant to share with people. But, there it is. Out in the open. If you have a problem with it I suggest you suck my big toe.
So I do want to discuss a few things. My biggest criticism that has come from people is "but you are so thin now". My abdominoplasty has nothing to do with weight loss, although I WILL lose about TWO to THREE pounds of extra skin. I currently weigh 117 pounds and can honestly say I am the thinnest I have been since high school. My bmi has been calculated at 20.3% which is pretty damn close to perfect...and fully clothed I will say I look pretty good for having three children under the age of two. But, without the clothes is a different story. I have two things going on with my belly. A. A medical condition called diastatis recti, this condition means that my abdominal muscles are seperated beyond the point of return. When I had the twins, lets remember they were both larger than my recent addition, my abdominal muscles ended up on each side of the gigantic mountain that the boys created in place of my stomach. I also exploded to a numerical figure that I thought I would never reach on the scale 211. That is right I gained roughly 75 pounds during that pregnancy. So, back to the diastasis...this creates a number of legitimate MEDICAL problems. 1. Back pain, a weak abdominal core means your back muscles have to work twice as hard. 2. Risk of hernia (I have already had a pretty significant one corrected.)
3. Reduced abdominal structure that could result in the shifting of internal organs.
Okay, so now that the medical part of this is out of the way yes, a LARGE...and by LARGE I mean 99.9% part of this is "cosmetic" and "selfish"...as the choice words of a few. I am 26 years old which means that I have to live in THIS body for at least 60 more years. I am done having children.
My belly, looks like pizza dough, honest to God...and if you don't want to see the picture STOP READING NOW AND EXIT because I decided I may as well show everyone what this looks like so you can understand where I am coming from.
It is fondly refered to by M.O.M.s as twin tummy. It happens to the best of us. There are those moms that bounce back from babies looking gorgeous and amazing and then there are others (aka myself) who have 13 pounds of child in her that despite every honest attempt could not keep my belly beautiful.
I love my children with everything in me and don't want to look back 10 years from now resenting them and my husband for leaving me with a body I despise. I want to look in the mirror without wanting to cry. I want to feel comfortable in the skin that God gave me and if it takes a doctor to get me there then so be it. I understand that he may not be a miracle worker but he is the closest thing to one I can think of.
I have people tell me "be happy with who you are"...these people CLEARLY have no idea what this feels like.
There are days when I don't want to leave my house because I feel like I look "pregnant". I cry more days than not because I catch a sight of my stomach in the mirror. I haven't gone without wearing an abdominal supporter a SINGLE day besides though that I was pregnant with Addy. I haven't been able to shop without restraint because some things just don't look right with such a small waist and this strange, doughy lump and I can't wait for those days to be gone. I want to take my children to the beach and be happy to wear a bathing suit. Hell, I am not even being picky a one peice will do...which at this point isn't even possible.
I want to wear a little black dress without feeling like people are crticizing what I look like and I want my belly to match the rest of my body.
So, call it vanity...say it is selfish...but it is ME doing ME.
If you don't like it and don't support it...you can get bent because those who love me most have seen the tears that I have cried and know the pain that I feel...and selfish pain or not it hurts and is psychologically overwhelming. I can honestly say (excuse my french here), of all the times I have been psychologically mind fucked by myself this is the worst. Maybe it is part body dysmorphic disorder and maybe part OCD but literally feeling displaced from my abdomen is the strangest feeling ever. I honestly want to kill it...clearly, I don't want to kill myself...but IT I want IT gone.
It is strange to feel like a part of you doesn't belong. Strange, strange feeling. And I want it gone. And this surgery is going to provide that. Make the tears go away. Make the pain go away and finally give me what I need to be comfortable in my own skin. Give me back some of the confidence that I have lost with this "twin tummy" that I have been given and give me back a part of myself...so like I said. There it is. Out in the open. Welcome to my world.

The dust settles.

So, a month and a couple days has passed since Steven was deployed. And I must say I have a new found respect for military wives throughout the years. It is amazing to me that people would and still wait weeks for phone calls and letters when I spend my entire day looking forward to a phone call that may last only five minutes.
I find a certain motivation in accomplishing the days tasks before my evening phone call rolls around...and to be honest...I think I very well may go crazy without it.

But, overall, this month hasn't been that bad. I have learned how to do things I NEVER thought I would have to do. I have successfully managed to kill a number of spiders (leaving the black widow to the Orkin man of course), have climbed on rafters, learned how to operate a lawn mower, unclogged a drain and fixed a broken cabinet door. It isn't that I have been "uncapable" of doing these things...it was simply easier to have Steven do them. Knowing how, is awesome I guess, but I would take having him home any day over the 10 seconds of liberation I feel when I have the "I got this shit handled" moment happens.

My children, well, at least the boys. Have become the spawn of Satan...or maybe have just turned into exact replicas of their father as a toddler. They scream, they bite, the kick, the ignore, the scream, they throw tantrums. It isn't funny or cute and there have been days that it has taken everything in me not to pull my hair out, lock my children in their room and scream at the top of my lungs. But...I have managed. Deep breaths and evening time wine have made these days bearable. Kind of.
The boys have been approved for early intervention speech therapy and will begin services on Tuesday morning, though they have started talking up a store in recent weeks I am excited to learn more about idioglossia and what I can do to help them develop a correct speech pattern.

Adelyn is growing like a weed and has managed to double her birth weight (quite an accomplishment for a 4 month old) and jumped to the 80th percentile in height. My once petite little princess is hopefully going to be tall and lean like dad and not short and crooked like her mom.

So, it has been a month. Strangely, not much...but so much has happened. And it has been hard not having Steven here t experience the successes with me as they happen throughout the day. I can't call him in excitement when Adelyn sits without tipping for 5 seconds or when the boys learn a new word. I have to keep it inside and hope I remember. I feel bas sharing the successes with others before I tell him so I usually keep it inside...just waiting for daddy to be the first to know.

Making it through this month has taught me a lot about myself and about my kids. It has taught me that when I say "I can't" it normally means I don't want to. It has made me realize that a lot can be accomplised in a 12 hour day. It has taught me the value of the 5 minutes of silence I receive in the shower at the end of my day. It has made me value sleep and has given me a new found respect for ALL military wives and ALL single moms. It has taught me the value of taking a deep breath when I want to scream and reminded me that sometimes the only option is drowning out the chaos because no hug or kiss that I can provide will fill in for daddy.

My boys miss their dad. I am not sure that they know that...but they do. And it sucks. But...we are getting through...so as the dust settles I need to take a deep breath, brush myself off and get ready for another month of chaos as I start counting down the days until I get an ounce of sleep, an ounce of freedom and my hubby back.

Attachment Parenting.

Attachment Parenting has gotten a lot of greif over the last few years with opponents to this style arguing that parents who practiced this type of parenting were creating co-dependent needy children.
I put my practices somewhere in between attachment parenting and typical authoritative parenting. If you are unsure of the definition of both: authoritative parenting involves rules, structure but also allowing a child to explore boundaries and make decisions. It does not force independence nor does it create co-dependance.
Attachment parenting is based on a few core principles: Responding to cries with sensitivity. Feeding with care (breastfeeding is best). Use of nurturing touch. Ensuring safe sleep; both physically and emotionally. Provide consistent loving care. Practicing positive discipline.
Based on those principles I will first start with saying I am NOT a proponent for CIO-BEFORE 6 Months of age. Children that young should not be forced to self-soothe because of a parents selfish attempt to get a full night sleep. By practicing attachment parenting and responding to a child throughout the day they will naturally begin to mimic their care givers sleep patterns as they feel confident and assured that they are not being deserted. It is important to remember that attachment parenting does not mean never putting your child down but rather responding to their needs quickly and efficiently because most times their cries are based on wanting to be touched. Children are born with the biological need to feel human contact which is especially important during the first month of life. Children establish who they can trust during this critical period and will begin to recognize their care givers by smell, touch and voice.
Feeding with care does not mean you HAVE to breast feed. Bottle feeding (even formula) is perfectly fine if you are feeding with care. Hold your child close during feeding. Allow them to smell you. Allow your child to cue feeding. And if possible be skin to skin during this experience. They will tell you when they are hungry and likewise when they are full. Their little bodies are capable of much more understanding than we sometimes believe.
Baby wearing is great during a childs first month. Running errands with your child firmly attached to you not only provides them shelter from outside noises and sounds that will flood them with stimuli but provides them with the constant reminder that the person who cares for them will not let them go.
Co-sleeping. Another controversial topic. It is a common mis perception that co-sleeping is dangerous and that once a child sleeps in their parents room they will not want to leave. Traditional co-sleeping, or the "family bed", is not something that I support mostly because my bed isn't big enough for all three. While my children have slept in my bed on occasion...I do not sleep well with them co-sleeping in this form. I do, however, feel that children should begin sleeping in their parents room. This not only provides convenience for breastfeeding mothers but allows a child to establish sleep patterns that mimic their care takers before being placed into their own room. This does not create co-dependent children or children who will not sleep by themselves but rather allows them to feel safe at night knowing that their needs will be met immediatly. Children experience a full range of emotions, just as adults do and without having a constant nurturing support it makes it difficult for children to understand and regulate these emotions.
I am not one to knock anyones parenting styles but am one to try and educate misguided parents. Because attachment parenting has taken so much slack lately and so many myths revolve around it I thought I would just clear up some of the misinformation that has surfaced.
Attachment parenting does not create overly spoiled children. It creates self assured children that are confident in their caregivers abilities to respond to their needs. Children that are self assured have less agression later in life, need less supervision, have fewer tantrums and are able to seperate from their care givers much easier when it is developmentally appropriate. Children that do not have secure attachments operate out of fear and anger rather than trust and are more prone to have behaviors that require discipline. Attachment parented children are NOT the center of attention but rather become a natural flow of life...this hold espcially true for me.
Teaching a child to self-soothe before 6 months of age IS NOT harmless. Sleep training is not teaching a child to relax and adjust for sleep it is rather triggering a neurological response called "defeat response", naturally when humans undergo stress our flight, fight or freeze response becomes activated. Infants cannot choose the "flight" response and therefore, go to the "fight" response which includes crying seeking solstice for their emotional need to be comforted. When this is not provided the childs neurological system tells it to "freeze" because it has been defeated. It's needs have not been yet and they will stop crying once they are exhausted. Children that are left to CIO early in life learn that their needs are not important to the parent which creates an unsecure attachment to the care giver.
Positive discipline does not create children that are spoiled or pampered but rather teaches children to have responsibility for their actions. At 12 months of age children can recognize and can begin to understand cause and effect relationships. It is important that these relationships do not become negative ones with their caregivers. Children do not misbehave but rather have a misunderstanding of apporopriate behaviors. With twins, this has become particularly important. Often times when one of my boys misbehaves it is because the other or Addy is being the recipient of my attention and they do not understand how to appropriately seek my attention. By teaching them appropriate behaviors in response to their emotions I am not only ensuring that they understand the emotion they are feeling but that next time they react appropriately to it. A large amount of research has been doing on PD in the classroom setting and it has been shown to be incredibly successful which has led to it being carried from the classroom into the home.
Okay...I realized that this had become an incredibly long and drawn out soap box blog...and if you haven't made it this far. I understand.
But, honestly, so many people ask how I make it through my day and I swear it is because I practice attachment parenting. Yes, my children still throw tantrums and no they are not perfect angels but they understand their place within our daily flow. The boys recognize that their sister needs me just as much, if not more, than they do and seek emtional connection when she is not receiving it. Because I have such well rounded happy little tots, my days are actually pretty easy compared to horror stories I have heard from some.
Okay...done. Seriously.

Missing.

I miss my husband. It doesn't make sense to me that he is in some sort of parallel universe to mine. His night is my day. His day is my night. I sit at home and wait patiently for phone calls that may not come and cling to my phone like it is the source of oxygen because that five minute phone call...gives me just enough of his voice to carry on with my day. I find myself crying over little things...like coffee and PT clothes.
And feel very silly now ever bitching during his last deployment. Kids weren't involved and when he left the only person I had to worry about was myself. Now...even though he is only gone for a short time...I have much more responsibility. I have my family to worry about. Colin and Brendan MISS there daddy like crazy. I am not sure if they know exactly what is wrong but they know that something isn't right.
At bedtime they cling to me as if I may never come back. They look out the window in the living room and ask "daddy". But how on earth do you explain this to a toddler and it is heartbreaking. Going to be alone night after night is something that I am no longer used to. It makes it hard to sleep. I awake in a startle expecting him to be there. I look at the clock quickly thinking "he will be home soon"...and am kicked back into my sad reality that he will be home "soon" but "soon" won't be coming today.
I have temporarily lost my husband...and my best friend. Who do I share my little excitements with? My kids I guess. I have no one here to laugh with, to cry to or to hug and it is a pretty lonely place. Even lonlier when everyone is in bed.
I finally realize what it means to have no time for myself. I get through my day put my kids to bed and realize at 9 pm that the only thing I have eaten is a handful of grapes and graham crackers. I savor the 10 minute shower I take at night as my alone time. And find my zen in watching my children sleep.
Because besides those ten minutes at the end of my day and staring at the peaceful nature of my children in slumber...I have little to cling to...besides a phone call. But, as the days pass...it get's easier. I think...but yea, I REALLY miss my husband.

Colin, Brendan and One Big Word.

Idioglossia, it is a term used to describe "twin talk", which is the language that many twins speak amongst each other. This "secret language" that my boys share is quite amazing, they speak to one another, respond to one another and interact with one another while my husband and I sit perplexed at how they could possibly understand what is being "said". But, nothing is being said at all. "Twin Talk" actually occurs because one twin is mimiking the immature and underdeveloped language characteristics of the other. What this ultimately does is delay the speech progression of the children.
My twins were evaluated today by a speech therapist that assured me that this was the most common problem among multiples and is a problem that is easily corrected with extensive speech therapy as well as "independent interaction training". WTH? I thought. I never thought of seperating my boys! They love each other. ALOT. And neither of them have ever been apart for more than a few minutes. But, seperating them and allowing them to interact with other children and adults independent of each other forces them out of their formed language to learn the proper way to say things, use language and force communication.
This idea was amazing to me. That they have truly created their own language of sorts, not based on the secret twin voodoo that exists, but because neither has developed their language skills so their interactions, other than with me and my husband, are limited to incorrect ones.
The other big problem in their language development...? ME. Yep, I said it. And I fully admit to my faults. I AM A PROBLEM IN THIS EQUATION. It is much simpler to fulfill their needs than forcing them to vocalize what they want. My children know a limited number of words in sign language and they are well aware of how to get what they want. They want a snack they pull their high chairs out and crawl in. They want juice, they hand me their cups. They want me to play they bring me toys and pull on me. I don't FORCE them to use words. There is simply not enough time in my day...or so I thought. I knew months ago that there was a language delay and kept telling myself they will catch up. They haven't. If anything they are getting further behind. It is a frustrating place to be at. I have an enorormous problem with labeling children...especially my own...or should I say I HAD an enormous problem. I have realized that this situation is simply beyond my expertise. Being a mom, sometimes isn't the only qualifications one needs to help their children excel. I just wish I would have addressed the problem sooner.
Because now I have two boys, two amazing and beautiful boys, who are functioning above their age in gross physical and motor skills, functioning at age level at comprehension of language and expression but are falling nearly TWELVE MONTHS behind in vocal development. TWELVE MONTHS. I almost cried. But, realize that I am only human and there is only so much time in the day and after being assured and reassured that this will all be okay, that this is completely normal and very common for multiples and accepting that beginning Monday morning my children will be labled as "verbally delayed". I am okay with this.
STAY STRONG AND CARRY ON, right?

Kangaroo Care

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-500430/Doctors-gave-20oz-baby-dead---I-saved-life-cuddle.html

So in order to understand this blog you need to read the link.
I am incredibly passionate about Kangaroo Care. For those of you unfamiliar with the term it refers to the idea of a newborn child being given to it's mother immediatly after birth. This article is amazing and shows that true miracle that exists when a child is born. Children are meant to immedialtely be embraced by their mother. SKIN TO SKIN. This type of contact not only encourages the let down of a mothers milk but encourages the newborn to naturally find and latch on to a mothers breast. It enables to baby to receive the same warmth that they were receiving in utero. And new studies have suggested that skin to skin contact between mother and child in the days after birth reduces the rate of "baby blues".
When my twins were born, they were born via cesarean. An uncomplicated cesarean, came in weighing the size of signletons, suffered no complications and yet they were whisked away to the NICU unit where they stayed for HOURS. I asked for my children numerous times. I wanted to breast feed them immediatly but the hospital would not bring them to me. I knew after that experience I never wanted that to happen again. I lost the first hours of their life to a hospital staff that had little regard for my wants and desires (all though I LOVED my nurses--after the first day). That experience sparked my desire to seek out a VBAC during my second pregnancy which i was not able to have...but Adelyn's delivery was much different. Though she also was born cesarean, there were complications. At some point during my surgery my core body temperature began dropping VERY quickly which meant her body temperature was dropping quickly too. My uterus began contracting abnormally which was placing unneeded pressure on her. Once she was successfully delivered I was put back together and taken to the recovery room. Within seconds of arriving, my angel of a surgical nurse came in and said "she is having some trouble regulating her body temperature" I almost started crying. I wanted her then! Not in a couple of hours per my last experience...and then she said "Let me bring her to you. You guys can help each other" (My temperature was still only about 96 at this point). Withint 15 minutes Addy and I were snug as little bugs. It was amazing to realize that we were practically breathing in unison and an incredible experience to have her with me so soon.
I LOVE CMH because of their kangaroo care practices. A mothers touch and love cannot be replaced by machines. Baby warmers or blankets.
This article is truly a testament to that. : )

And for those of you not familiar with conversion 20 oz is 1 lbs 4 oz. That truly is the tiniest baby I have ever heard of surviving!

Please Mind Your Own. Thanks.

Okay...so this has something that has been building for more than quite awhile. So, it is going to be ALL over the place. So, advanced apologies for the scatter brained nature of this rant.
First, I understand that I look completely ridiculous pushing three children under the age of 2 in a six foot long stroller...but let me tell you this...YOU look even more ridiculous with that dumb founded look on your face. Asking stupid ass questions like "are they all yours?" "did you plan it this way?""how old are you? how do you do this?" aren't necessary. Trust me...I wouldn't CHOOSE to push around this monstrosity of a stroller if they weren't all mine and what business of yours is it whether I planned it this way? I am trying to beat out the Octo-Mom but can't find a doctor to implant me with that many eggs. What difference is my age? As if age is an indication of how well I can mother my children. And how I do it isn't a question I can answer. It is a neccessary must and I am very happy doing so. If you are going to "whisper" and say stupid things like "oh my God, look!"...you should probaly learn to work on your quiet voice which was a skill I swear I mastered when I was in first grade. If you are going to share your opinion with me...please make sure it is a positive one...because saying dumb things like "I so don't envy you" is uncalled for. What is there not to envy? I have an amazing, beautiful and most importantly HEALTHY family! There is nothing about my situation that is negative. Yes. I have my moments when I wish things turned out different that there was a larger age difference in my children and that I could have 1/2 an ounce of freedom but there is NOTHING about my life NOT to envy. So, thanks for your opinion.
Secondly...having inked skin has nothing to do with ones mothering ability. I love my tattoos. I think they are an amazing form of self-expression and individuality and am going to teach my children the issue of acceptance of everyone from the day they can grasp the concept. Because I am not walking around in a Gap sweater, a pair of khakis and some loafers does not mean I am not a good mother. It just means I am a mother who likes to hold on to my self. I have lost a large part of who I was to the role of mother and wife but NO ONE...not even you and your snide ass comments and looks can take away the way I decorate my temple. The money should could not and would not be spent in better places. My children are well dressed, my house is stocked with food, my rent is paid and I am not living off of government assistance so I will spend my excess money as I see fit. Thanks for your concern on my fiscal situation though. And on that subject please don't assume that because my husband is in the military and that we have 4395742098 kids that YOU are fronting my bills. You aren't so don't worry your pretty little head off. China is covering me for the time being.
Lastly, my weight is a subject that need not be on the lips of others. My ass size and waist size aren't the concern of anyone but my own. It is laughable that one would suggest that I have an eating disorder. I eat plenty. I just have taught myself how to eat healthy. I work out. And I chase toddlers around all day. I make milk. All of these things increase my metabolism therefore decreasing my ass size. I am guessing the same people that have started the ugly rumors do not have children and if they do never gave breastfeeding a chance because weight is literally FALLING off. But, then again I produce enough milk to feed a small army of children. On this subject, I am not doing drugs or taking weight loss formulas. I love my daughter and want her to have the happiest and healthiest food I can possibly produce...although I am not sure how healthy my lunch time cheeseburger was...I love her to the moon and back and would never do anything to compromise her health. So, like I said...you silly, silly folks. Breastfeed, exercise and learn how to eat right and stop worrying about my body.
Okay...I think that is all. So now that my vent sesh is done. Mind your own business. Thanks. : )

Adeventure of the day.

Spoons. Today the boys used spoons. Not to eat something like pudding or yogurt that sticks nicely without making a mess but to eat cheerios. In milk. Yes, the end result was rather disasterous. But up until the point that the bowl made it's upside down debut they did awesome. Pick up spoon. Put in bowl. Put in mouth. It is easy to forget how awesome the little things are. And how such little tasks in my life are such big advances in theres. My boys are basically awesome.