Attachment Parenting has gotten a lot of greif over the last few years with opponents to this style arguing that parents who practiced this type of parenting were creating co-dependent needy children.
I put my practices somewhere in between attachment parenting and typical authoritative parenting. If you are unsure of the definition of both: authoritative parenting involves rules, structure but also allowing a child to explore boundaries and make decisions. It does not force independence nor does it create co-dependance.
Attachment parenting is based on a few core principles: Responding to cries with sensitivity. Feeding with care (breastfeeding is best). Use of nurturing touch. Ensuring safe sleep; both physically and emotionally. Provide consistent loving care. Practicing positive discipline.
Based on those principles I will first start with saying I am NOT a proponent for CIO-BEFORE 6 Months of age. Children that young should not be forced to self-soothe because of a parents selfish attempt to get a full night sleep. By practicing attachment parenting and responding to a child throughout the day they will naturally begin to mimic their care givers sleep patterns as they feel confident and assured that they are not being deserted. It is important to remember that attachment parenting does not mean never putting your child down but rather responding to their needs quickly and efficiently because most times their cries are based on wanting to be touched. Children are born with the biological need to feel human contact which is especially important during the first month of life. Children establish who they can trust during this critical period and will begin to recognize their care givers by smell, touch and voice.
Feeding with care does not mean you HAVE to breast feed. Bottle feeding (even formula) is perfectly fine if you are feeding with care. Hold your child close during feeding. Allow them to smell you. Allow your child to cue feeding. And if possible be skin to skin during this experience. They will tell you when they are hungry and likewise when they are full. Their little bodies are capable of much more understanding than we sometimes believe.
Baby wearing is great during a childs first month. Running errands with your child firmly attached to you not only provides them shelter from outside noises and sounds that will flood them with stimuli but provides them with the constant reminder that the person who cares for them will not let them go.
Co-sleeping. Another controversial topic. It is a common mis perception that co-sleeping is dangerous and that once a child sleeps in their parents room they will not want to leave. Traditional co-sleeping, or the "family bed", is not something that I support mostly because my bed isn't big enough for all three. While my children have slept in my bed on occasion...I do not sleep well with them co-sleeping in this form. I do, however, feel that children should begin sleeping in their parents room. This not only provides convenience for breastfeeding mothers but allows a child to establish sleep patterns that mimic their care takers before being placed into their own room. This does not create co-dependent children or children who will not sleep by themselves but rather allows them to feel safe at night knowing that their needs will be met immediatly. Children experience a full range of emotions, just as adults do and without having a constant nurturing support it makes it difficult for children to understand and regulate these emotions.
I am not one to knock anyones parenting styles but am one to try and educate misguided parents. Because attachment parenting has taken so much slack lately and so many myths revolve around it I thought I would just clear up some of the misinformation that has surfaced.
Attachment parenting does not create overly spoiled children. It creates self assured children that are confident in their caregivers abilities to respond to their needs. Children that are self assured have less agression later in life, need less supervision, have fewer tantrums and are able to seperate from their care givers much easier when it is developmentally appropriate. Children that do not have secure attachments operate out of fear and anger rather than trust and are more prone to have behaviors that require discipline. Attachment parented children are NOT the center of attention but rather become a natural flow of life...this hold espcially true for me.
Teaching a child to self-soothe before 6 months of age IS NOT harmless. Sleep training is not teaching a child to relax and adjust for sleep it is rather triggering a neurological response called "defeat response", naturally when humans undergo stress our flight, fight or freeze response becomes activated. Infants cannot choose the "flight" response and therefore, go to the "fight" response which includes crying seeking solstice for their emotional need to be comforted. When this is not provided the childs neurological system tells it to "freeze" because it has been defeated. It's needs have not been yet and they will stop crying once they are exhausted. Children that are left to CIO early in life learn that their needs are not important to the parent which creates an unsecure attachment to the care giver.
Positive discipline does not create children that are spoiled or pampered but rather teaches children to have responsibility for their actions. At 12 months of age children can recognize and can begin to understand cause and effect relationships. It is important that these relationships do not become negative ones with their caregivers. Children do not misbehave but rather have a misunderstanding of apporopriate behaviors. With twins, this has become particularly important. Often times when one of my boys misbehaves it is because the other or Addy is being the recipient of my attention and they do not understand how to appropriately seek my attention. By teaching them appropriate behaviors in response to their emotions I am not only ensuring that they understand the emotion they are feeling but that next time they react appropriately to it. A large amount of research has been doing on PD in the classroom setting and it has been shown to be incredibly successful which has led to it being carried from the classroom into the home.
Okay...I realized that this had become an incredibly long and drawn out soap box blog...and if you haven't made it this far. I understand.
But, honestly, so many people ask how I make it through my day and I swear it is because I practice attachment parenting. Yes, my children still throw tantrums and no they are not perfect angels but they understand their place within our daily flow. The boys recognize that their sister needs me just as much, if not more, than they do and seek emtional connection when she is not receiving it. Because I have such well rounded happy little tots, my days are actually pretty easy compared to horror stories I have heard from some.
Okay...done. Seriously.
I can remember my mother telling the story of my brother crying and the doctor telling her to let him cry himself to sleep it will be fine. So she puts him in his bed and walks outside and talks with a neighbor, and hearing the crying is killing her, it stops. She goes in to check and he had cracked his lip open on the crib. She never let any of us do that after that.
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