Missing.

I miss my husband. It doesn't make sense to me that he is in some sort of parallel universe to mine. His night is my day. His day is my night. I sit at home and wait patiently for phone calls that may not come and cling to my phone like it is the source of oxygen because that five minute phone call...gives me just enough of his voice to carry on with my day. I find myself crying over little things...like coffee and PT clothes.
And feel very silly now ever bitching during his last deployment. Kids weren't involved and when he left the only person I had to worry about was myself. Now...even though he is only gone for a short time...I have much more responsibility. I have my family to worry about. Colin and Brendan MISS there daddy like crazy. I am not sure if they know exactly what is wrong but they know that something isn't right.
At bedtime they cling to me as if I may never come back. They look out the window in the living room and ask "daddy". But how on earth do you explain this to a toddler and it is heartbreaking. Going to be alone night after night is something that I am no longer used to. It makes it hard to sleep. I awake in a startle expecting him to be there. I look at the clock quickly thinking "he will be home soon"...and am kicked back into my sad reality that he will be home "soon" but "soon" won't be coming today.
I have temporarily lost my husband...and my best friend. Who do I share my little excitements with? My kids I guess. I have no one here to laugh with, to cry to or to hug and it is a pretty lonely place. Even lonlier when everyone is in bed.
I finally realize what it means to have no time for myself. I get through my day put my kids to bed and realize at 9 pm that the only thing I have eaten is a handful of grapes and graham crackers. I savor the 10 minute shower I take at night as my alone time. And find my zen in watching my children sleep.
Because besides those ten minutes at the end of my day and staring at the peaceful nature of my children in slumber...I have little to cling to...besides a phone call. But, as the days pass...it get's easier. I think...but yea, I REALLY miss my husband.