So, this is what it feels like.

I have decided the most successful way to share what I am about to share is through writing about it. I am sure this will be drafted time and time again before I pull my big girl panties on and share it with you all and to be perfectly honest I am totally unsure of where I start. Do I just come out and say it? Do I try to explain what has been happening that has got us to this point? Long version or short version? How the HELL do I even begin to try and make sense of the emotions that I am currently feeling. So, you know what, I am just going to roll with whatever comes out knowing that this will be edited later. Today, I was told, by someone who I know is undoubtedly going to serve as an inspiration to me that nothing has me. A disease doesn't define the person. The person defines the disease and there is nothing better than beating the odds. I know, I know...what freaking disease is she talking about? I am getting there...I swear. And once I am done greiving, I swear I will live by that statement. There is no reason I should break, there is no reason I should fall down and there is no reason I should continue to sit here like a freaking train wreck. But, today I am. Tomorrow probably won't be much easier. But, I am told it will get better. Honestly, I can tell you NOW at this very moment, that I feel like I am no longer in control of my body. Like I am living in some parallel universe, feeling what I am feeling, hearing what I am hearing yet I am completely numb to the experience and I find myself thinking "So, this is that grief that everyone has talked about", the grief that overwhelms your entire soul when you are told something you don't want to hear. But, there is a flip side to this coin. The completely and totally liberating one that says "You are NOT crazy", these "feelings" of overall uneasiness were correct. My body knew there was something terribly wrong, though my heart and mind fought through the discomfort negating the feelings for something of less severity. But, this is now my life. And there is nothing I can do to change it. It amazes me at how quickly life changes. How almost instantly priorities and plans become demolished and forever changed. How quickly you begin thinking of all the stuff you need to do while you can...you know...before you cant. When I am done crying and my tears are dried, I will pull it together because honestly, as pissed as I am at the world today, the blessings that I have been given don't deserve me to lay down to this diagnosis. My children are going to learn what true strength means from me, they are going to see me fight like hell, not only to ensure that my life is as full and complete as it can possibly be but I will advocate my pants off for this cause. NO ONE deserves this discomfort, this emotional and physical pain, this absolutely nauseating internal crisis between KNOWING damn well that I am bigger than this but totally FEARING it is bigger than me. At some point, who knows when, the knowledge will take over the fear but at this point all I can do is educate myself. To remind myself of this daily, regardless of whether I believe it, to surround myself by those who will empower me and fulfill me. I refuse to be defined for anything other than what I always have been. I am a mother to three amazing children, a wife to the most incredible husband this world can offer, I am a daughter, a sister. I am me...just slightly modified. There is no number of brain lesionss, no amount of pain or discomfort that will change the core of me. I have Multiple Sclerosis. Multiple Sclerosis doesn't have me and now all I can do is make my good days out number my bad days. I will fight this. I will get through this and there will be a cure in my lifetime. Those are things I do KNOW.