This is now my journey

About three weeks ago...I got a pretty shitty diagnosis. I am still in shock. There is no doubt about that. I am going through various stages: grief, anger, fear, acceptance and then it starts all over again. But, here I am 28 years old, figuring, incredibly irrationally, apparently that I have been through enough in my life. I have dealt with enough hard stuff in my years on this earth that now was the time that I was going to start REALLY living. To start being rewarded for the struggles that I have already faced. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. Apparently, I was silly to think that there existed some cosmic balance sheet between adversity and fortune. Apparently, God doesn't keep tally. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen but damn, when do I get a break? To be honest, I can't say the words "multiple sclerosis" without crying. I can type it. I can text it. But, the actual words coming out of my mouth...yea, that isn't even close to happening without a blubbering, gasping tear filled girl overtaking whatever composure I still have. I think a part of me believes that refusing to acknowledge this silent devils presence, will some how, make it not exist. Today is not a good day, I am told I am in the middle of what is probably my third exacerbation of this illness, so as I type my extra special immune system is taking charge of my body, attacking the myelin that coats my nerve endings, leaving my nerve endings exposed and firing completely uncalled for responses. My feet are numb, my legs are on fire and the feeling is just creeping higher. When I walk, I feel like I am stepping on broken glass. This isn't my body right now. This is MS's body. But, it won't always be. I might not reclaim it tomorrow. That is okay with me. I will eventually. When I learn to gain full acceptance. I will always hate this disease. But, I am choosing not to look into the future and all of the things that it might steal from me and instead look at all of the things that I will accomplish WITH this disease. This is best for my serenity. I have been told the anger might never go away, that "why me's?" will forever lurk...so instead of saying I wont be angry I am going to say I will make an effort to modify my anger with a certain degree of resignation. I will probably never acept this disease. It is unfair, it is horrible but it is life. And I am choosing to live this life to it's fullest regardless of what it brings me. I refuse to let those who support me be disappointed with me. They give me far more credit than I deserve at this point.