So, this is what it feels like.

I have decided the most successful way to share what I am about to share is through writing about it. I am sure this will be drafted time and time again before I pull my big girl panties on and share it with you all and to be perfectly honest I am totally unsure of where I start. Do I just come out and say it? Do I try to explain what has been happening that has got us to this point? Long version or short version? How the HELL do I even begin to try and make sense of the emotions that I am currently feeling. So, you know what, I am just going to roll with whatever comes out knowing that this will be edited later. Today, I was told, by someone who I know is undoubtedly going to serve as an inspiration to me that nothing has me. A disease doesn't define the person. The person defines the disease and there is nothing better than beating the odds. I know, I know...what freaking disease is she talking about? I am getting there...I swear. And once I am done greiving, I swear I will live by that statement. There is no reason I should break, there is no reason I should fall down and there is no reason I should continue to sit here like a freaking train wreck. But, today I am. Tomorrow probably won't be much easier. But, I am told it will get better. Honestly, I can tell you NOW at this very moment, that I feel like I am no longer in control of my body. Like I am living in some parallel universe, feeling what I am feeling, hearing what I am hearing yet I am completely numb to the experience and I find myself thinking "So, this is that grief that everyone has talked about", the grief that overwhelms your entire soul when you are told something you don't want to hear. But, there is a flip side to this coin. The completely and totally liberating one that says "You are NOT crazy", these "feelings" of overall uneasiness were correct. My body knew there was something terribly wrong, though my heart and mind fought through the discomfort negating the feelings for something of less severity. But, this is now my life. And there is nothing I can do to change it. It amazes me at how quickly life changes. How almost instantly priorities and plans become demolished and forever changed. How quickly you begin thinking of all the stuff you need to do while you can...you know...before you cant. When I am done crying and my tears are dried, I will pull it together because honestly, as pissed as I am at the world today, the blessings that I have been given don't deserve me to lay down to this diagnosis. My children are going to learn what true strength means from me, they are going to see me fight like hell, not only to ensure that my life is as full and complete as it can possibly be but I will advocate my pants off for this cause. NO ONE deserves this discomfort, this emotional and physical pain, this absolutely nauseating internal crisis between KNOWING damn well that I am bigger than this but totally FEARING it is bigger than me. At some point, who knows when, the knowledge will take over the fear but at this point all I can do is educate myself. To remind myself of this daily, regardless of whether I believe it, to surround myself by those who will empower me and fulfill me. I refuse to be defined for anything other than what I always have been. I am a mother to three amazing children, a wife to the most incredible husband this world can offer, I am a daughter, a sister. I am me...just slightly modified. There is no number of brain lesionss, no amount of pain or discomfort that will change the core of me. I have Multiple Sclerosis. Multiple Sclerosis doesn't have me and now all I can do is make my good days out number my bad days. I will fight this. I will get through this and there will be a cure in my lifetime. Those are things I do KNOW.

parenting and junk.

AS a mother of twins at 23...I was completely LOST. Seriously, I broke down in tears...crying on the floor of my moms bedroom saying "I can't do this". But, someewhere inside me I found the strength to make it through sleepless nights, 2 am breastfeedings and poopy diapers up to my ears. Because I knew nothing about parenting and even less about parenting twins I made it my goal to educate myself on all issues baby. Breast feeding, co-sleeping, parenting styles, car seats and vaccinations.
Breast feeding the twins was not an easy task and unfortunately I was unable to keep up a supply to EBF them passed 4 months but I did what I couldand gave them what I could and for that I was happy. With Addy I was DEAD set on keeping this girl EBF for a year and here we are 2 months shy of her first birthday and I am still producing enough to keep my monkey happy and have enough stowed away to be a milk momma for an incredibly amazing family. There is no greater gift that I feel I can give besides that of health and of course spit-ups that don't stain everything. : )
Breast milk is liquid Gold...it prevents infection, builds up anti bodies, is naturally friendly to a babies GI system and is ALWAYS available...not to mention the perfect formulation of calories, fats, vitamins and minerals for a baby to thrive. I couldn't keep up with the boys and would never, ever say a mother wasn't doing her part if she was trying. I would, however, suggest that the lack of trying was incredibly selfish...and leave it at that. Their your boobs not mine and it is your child's health you are toying with.
As far as co-sleeping goes all three of my children co-slept with us until they were 9 months old. It worked for our family and created an incredible bond with my children. Knowing that they were always within arms reach was satisfying and reassuring as I struggled through the first months of anxiety and OCD. Reaching over and feeling their heart beat was a solid reminder that they were there and that they were mine.
Vaccinations are ugly little critters and are tricky as all heck to navigate around. When the boys were young we had an incredibly amazing family doctor who recommended and used an alternative vaccination schedule. Monthly the boys had an appointment to recieve vaccinations which allowed them to be spaced out, allowed any problems to be caught early and allowed me to be an active participant in their vaccination schedule. I don't buy into the "vaccinations cause autism" argument. I do, however, feel that vaccinations are scary things, too many are given at one time and doctors are all to quick to criticize parents for using alternative schedules. The CDC is not God and neither is my childs pediatrician. My boys were able to becone vaccinated without problem or upset my daughter on the other hand had a major side effect to what we are guessing was the DPT vaccination. There is no feeling more heart breaking than watching your newborn sieze, vomit and become practically unresponsive...so sure...knock my vaccination habits but until you can transport yourself back to that day in that doctors office I suggest you stay silent. My child will be fully vaccinated by the time she starts school...minus the few that are completely impractical and unnecessary and I will get waived by the State of California.
I have taken a considerable amount of heat from my carseat issues. My children were restrained Rear Facing until the age of two. Were they too tall? No absolutely not. Were their knees bunched and practically sitting cross legged? Absolutely. BUT it is recommended by the AAP that the SAFEST option for children is to be this way until at least the age of TWO or 30 pounds. There is a good possibility that I would have attempted to keep them rear facing until they turned 30 lbs if it wasn't for my husband pressuring "it is time".
Car seat safety is a no brainer. If someone is saying "this is the safest option" why wouldn't you do it? Yes, I am incredibly passionate about it because I have done my research I have watched the Internal decapitation videos and have talked to multiple CHP officers that have shared somee incredibly scary statistics with me.
I know that this is a relatively new recommendation but it will soon be state law (at least in California) which will deem it Child Endangerment for a child under two to be forward facing. It is ignorance for parents not to keep up to date on these laws and recommendations...and pratically stoning me for sharing these facts is kinda inappropriate. If you don't want to hear your safest options don't listen but don't tell me I am wrong for sharing the information.
I am not a perfect parent. Would never claim to be but I am educated. Do keep up to date on my information and feel it is important to share new information with my friends.

Thanks.

"Friends"

I am pretty sure that right around the time I got pregnant with the twins 90% of my "friends" decided that I wasn't either worth their time or now that I was with child I was simply no longer fun. Around the time I got pregnant with Addy, I am pretty sure a remaining 5% decided that they wanted nothing to do with someone with three kids. It hurt then and it hurts no less now.
Yes, I am married. Yes, I have three kids. Yes, I HAVE CHANGED. But, change pretty much comes in the package when you give birth...and I haven't changed for the worse. If anything, I have become a better, more complete person. Not something that is sub par. When I see old "friends" now...I really don't feel it necessary to say hello...or have pleasant chat. Maybe it is selfish but am I to believe you really care how I am doing? Or how my children and husband are doing? Or are you waiting anxiously to hear how miserable. Trust me, I notice when the twinge of disappointment pops onto your face when I tell you how absolutely amazing my life is. How truly blessed it is in every single way.
I don't really understand it. I understand that having a child (or in my case children) changes the dynamics of a "friendship" but to completely jump ship when you hear the word 'pregnant' like it is a nasty illness you don't want to catch is something completely different. It illustrates that "friendship" never existed...acquaintance at this point may be taking it to far. Someone I once hung out with may be the appropriate phrase. And the disappointment...I don't know. Maybe an expression I am mistaking for jealousy, resentment, anger. I am really not sure. But, what I do know is that people I would have NEVER thought I would have found myself talking to have become some of my closest confidants and those that I used to give my world for who have become no closer to me than complete strangers. You may know my past secrets but you no longer no my life.
I hear your whispers...and I see your looks. Contemplate amongst yourselves how the word "blessed" must really mean "I hate my life" and the word "amazing" is side speak for "miserable" but that is your life not mine. It is sad to see you at the same spot, in the same bar, that I left you in 4 years ago when I realized THAT could no longer be MY life.
So, that said...thanks for the good times. Thank you for assisting in making some of the most un-enjoyable, unsatisfying years of my life...and thank you for illuminating the true definition of a friend.