Friends.

Well, I am moved. Out of the hospital, feeling better and finally moved. And to be honest, it feels good. The bone chilling cold will take some getting used to. But, the hometown hospitality here in Casper is something that I am certainly not used to. This is the type of white picket fence town that I always dreamed of raising a family THIS is my dream. It almost feels like a whirlwind has picked me up and carried me through the last few months. But, what an amazing whirlwind it has been. I learned that I have a life altering illness but also learned that I am strong enough to stand up to it. I realized that I have the ability to leave everything I have ever known and am emotionally put together enough to accept the change with each and I have had a lot of time to really look at the friendships that my entire life has been built upon. I ran across an anonymous quote today "True friendship isn't about being there when it is convenient, it is about being there when it is not". It is amazing how blindingly clear that trouble can make your friendships. As most everyone knows, in October I was given a pre-diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. This is not an easy diagnosis to hear. And I certainly was no exception. I have never felt weaker, never have I been so absolutely overcome with desperation. I work in a world of the "known" and not knowing drives me absolute insane. And that is exactly what Multiple Sclerosis is, totally and completely unknown. On December 15, after spending nearly a month of being poked and prodded and told what I "probably" had. My diagnosis became absolutely definitive. On that morning, I woke up blind in my right eye. Overnight, this mystery, "probably" illness had began taking something from me that I had totally taken for granted. My sight. But,that wasn't the only thing I lost. I lost friends. Which probably worked out for the better. I deserve better than fair weather people who are only around when it is convenient. I deserve people in my life that are going to support me when I need them to, not when they want to. I know that spending time in a hospital, with someone who is blind in one eye, who has zero depth perception and is bed bound by an IV, seriously interrupts with the social aspects of the weekend...but it also meant more to me than anyone could imagine. I sat there for FIVE days becoming sickeningly familiar with everything that "could" happen to me. I slowly began to realize that my entire life was now written in two chapters. Before December 15 and After December 15. Everything in my life that I once knew for certain no longer made sense. My world was completely and totally unknown. I was forced to accept that I could wake up any day with a new unwelcomed symptom of my illness. I could be blind, I could be deaf, I could lose my ability to walk, to speak, to move my limbs. That is my new reality. And I sat. Alone. And completely scared. What amazed me the most about the "aloneness" was that I was always under the impression that I had a bounty of friends. I was the life of the proverbial party. When it was time to go out drinking or have a party, I had friends falling out of my ears. But, then, the time I actually NEEDED people around, very few people were there. For those who came to visit, THANK YOU. For those who provided temporary distraction through phone calls, THANK YOU. You gave me everything I needed. Distraction. Mindless conversation, laughs and a way to get my mind off the very shitty reality I now faced. My diagnosis hasn't changed me. But, it certainly has changed the way I view certain people.

MS=

What is MS? I have had this question asked more times than not and the truth is I am still trying to gain an understanding of this condition. So, I guess I am going to do this in two parts, first I will give you a little clinical background on MS and then I will tell you what MS means for me. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is a chronic and often times disabling condition that causes the bodies immune system to attack the central nervous system. Your CNS is comprised of your brain, spinal cord and optic nerves. This disease process is thought to be triggered by a combination of one or more environmental factors and the person needs to be genetically susceptible. That said, these are just hypotheses as the disease has much of the medical community stumped, so to speak. These environmental factors include but may not be limited to: 1. An immunologic factor: this is one of the newest theories in MS causation and it is now being considered that it may be an immune-mediated process, rather than an autoimmune process (yes, I know this is kinda confusing-even to me). This theory states that the immune system is somehow tricked into perceiving the myelin sheath (the fatty tissues surrounding the nerves) as an invader, therefore, the immune system initiates an assault against it. Researchers have effectively been able to isolate the immune cells responsible for this process. There is varying research that suggests that the immune response may be the result of a hyper-active response to a virus or a vaccination. 2. Environmental-MS occurs more frequently further from the equator. Epidemiologists (scientists who study disease patterns) show that people born in particular areas have a higher risk of developing MS. This scatter groups are being looked into. I was raised in Ventura County and Ventura County is one of these scatter pattern groups. While these patterns are being investigated nothing conclusive has been found. 3. Infectious-this ties into the immunologic factor. This theory discusses that exposure to viruses, bacteria and other microbes in childhood could possibly illicit this immunologic response. There are currently more than a dozen illnesses and vaccinations being investigated as a possible factor in developing MS. 4. Genetic-MS is not hereditary at least not in the strict sense that we think of hereditary patterns. Common genetic factors may be present within families but it is thought because the genetic predisposition may be carried through gene lines. Okay now moving on to the damage. As part of the immune attack on the central nervous system, myelin (the fatty substance that surrounds and protects the nerve fibers in the central nervous system) is damaged, as well as the nerve fibers themselves. The damaged myelin forms scar tissue (sclerosis), which gives the disease its name. When any part of the myelin sheath or nerve fiber is damaged or destroyed, nerve impulses traveling to and from he brain and spinal cord are distorted or interrupted, producing the variety of symptoms. So what are the common symptoms of MS? Well, truth be told there is no "common" MS. There is the textbook definition and then there is the real life MS. MS is different for everyone who experiences it. No two people experience things in the same way or the same pattern, so trying to relate to someone on a symptomatic level is an incredibly difficult thing. The most common symptoms, however, are: Fatigue, numbness and tingling, problems walking, bowel and bladder dysfunction, vision problems, dizziness are vertigo, sexual dysfunction, pain, cognitive and emotional disturbances, depression, spastic muscles (cramping), problems swallowing, headaches, hearing problems, itching, tremors and seizures. So, like I said these are the "textbook" MS symptoms but these aren't the symptoms that effect everyone and no two MS cases are alike. So, now that I have given you a cliffs notes run down about what it is and how it presents. I will tell you what MS means from me. From the best of my recollection, I began presenting with MS about a year a half ago. I had my first experience with numbness and tingling in my right foot that lasted about a week. However, numbness and tingling happen for a variety of reasons and obviously I didn't run off to the physician saying I have MS. For anyone that has known me for any amount of time I am the shoe queen and high heels are kinda my thing. So it was easy to attribute this pain to my choice in shoe wear. About a year ago, it happened again, to a much more severe extent. I was sent to an orthopedist since I have idiopathic scoliosis. The orthopedist could find nothing anatomically wrong that could be attributed to the pain and discomfort. I was given muscle relaxants, pain reliever, physical therapy and sent on my way. Again, the pain and discomfort moved along and I was pretty much symptom free for another 6 months. About three months ago while traveling on business, I was unable to swallow. I had to have the Heimlich maneuver performed and was unable to swallow for about 20 to 30 minutes after. I had NO IDEA what the hell was going on. But, like all other symptoms I rationalized it as some sort of traveling weirdness. So, fast forward to October of this year. My feet were doing terrible I was having these weird feelings, like bugs, crawling and biting under my skin, once that stopped the pain was such a deep hurt, something that I can't explain as I have never felt it before. It was unrelenting. On October 28th, I awoke with the toes and base of my right foot totally numb. I showered and prepared for work and the numbness and tingling crept higher by the time about 30 minutes had past it was up to my knee and it was time to go to the emergency room. It was there I had a CT scan that suggested a demyelinating process. That Monday I saw a neurologist who was dismissive at best and have spent the last few weeks navigating through neurologists, MRIs, my primary care physician and now...the hospital. Over the past week, I have had some pain and pressure with mild visual changes in my right eye. On Saturday morning I awoke with blind spots and again it was time to head to the emergency room. My MRI showed an active lesion on my occipital lobe (the spot that isr responsible for vision perception). I also have two other small areas of activity and several small lesions scattered over my brain with two larger ones. Over the last three days, I have gradually had strange vision changes which include the reduction of my visual field in both my right and left eye that is expected to get worse before it gets better. Right now, it is almost like the bottom half of my vision is gone. Like I explained in yesterday's blog. So, what does MS mean for me? It means unrelenting pain in my legs. It means crying myself to sleep more often than not, it means losing my vision, it means never knowing when I am not going to be able to swallow, it means fatigue that hurts to the bone, like this really terrible, disgusting tiredness and there is not a damn thing I can do to make it better, right now it means daily drips on steroids that make me want to crawl out of my skin, it means crying daily about the unknown and fearing for the future, it means 15 pills a day just to keep the symptoms at bay. Yep, right now that is what MS means for me. It isn't fun, not knowing. It is scary and lonely. But, it is what it is. I have MS. MS DOES NOT have me.

Sight.

Well, it finally happened. I guess somewhere, deep down I knew it would. It had to. It was the inevitable. There had to be a day that my illness hit me in the face screaming "Tamara, you have multiple sclerosis". Yesterday, was that day. I woke up partially blind in my right eye. It was strange as I processed the idea. It wasn't black, it wasn't white it was nothing. Nothing is scary as hell because nothing is totally unknown. I calmly told Steven we needed to go to the Emergency Room, as we waited for my sister and father to arrive I sat upstairs suddenly realizing my worst fear about this disease had been realized. I was losing my sight. Vision, like many things is totally taken for granted, that is until it is gone. So many thoughts were running through my head attacking my sanity: what if you don't see again, what if you can never see your children again-that thought was numbing and nauseating-they are my reason for breathing. For fighting like hell to make sure mommy doesn't change in their eyes. I don't want them knowing mommy is sick. How do I explain that mommy cant say. I would miss all of the "mommy, watch this moments that I absolutely live for. My heart began to ache and eventually I broke down. I cried. Heavily. I hate saying "this isn't fair" because there are far more people inflicted with conditions that are far beyond mine. But, it is my fall back. It isn't fair. Why me? Why now? Ugh. These thoughts haunt me but then I remember there is no sense crying about what is going on. When I am crying I am not fighting and I am going to fight this like hell. I am going to fight through the sight loss, the hospital stay, the pain, because there is no sense in lying down and living in the world of "this isn't fair". So, for now I am going to rock this eye patch, do the gangster lean with my IV pole and hope the high heavens the steroids don't jack me up to the point where I am an angry little demon.

Everything leaves a mark

I ran across this quote today on pinterest while browsing through quotes to add to the decorations on my bodily temple. I wanted something that would highlight this new moment, this new chapter in my life but feel strongly against getting anything "MS awareness" on my body. I don't feel I need to brand myself with the Scarlet MS letter and would rather have something subtle with meaning to me and to those who know me. Well, I got to thinking about this quote "everything leaves a mark". I never realized how very true this was, but then again, I never really thought about it, until now. Everything we do, every minute, every moment, every action...leave a mark. Sometimes the mark is more indelible than others but the mark has been made. And chances are we are living these moments of our lives never realizing how permanent and lasting some of these marks may be. These marks may be perfect and amazing or horrible and disastrous. The marks may be beautiful or they may be ugly. But, they are marks nonetheless. Isn't that a profound thought? Every second of your life a make is being made. Every action that is being performed is forever altering you or the life of someone else. But, far beyond this lies our own personal power and control over these marks. We have the power of response. We cannot change what is happened but we can absolutely control our reactions. This week has been a challenging week for me. My pain level has been through the roof, I have spent most of my days restless and in tears. But, I have refused to let my children be affected by this. I will not allow this mark to be left on my children. They are too young to understand anything beyond "mommy doesn't feel good" and whiile I am busy focusing on not leaving a mark on my children. My children are leaving a mark on me. They remind me every day what I live for. They remind me what I am fighting for and they are my inspiration to wake up every day and to fight like hell. Everything leaves a mark.

This is now my journey

About three weeks ago...I got a pretty shitty diagnosis. I am still in shock. There is no doubt about that. I am going through various stages: grief, anger, fear, acceptance and then it starts all over again. But, here I am 28 years old, figuring, incredibly irrationally, apparently that I have been through enough in my life. I have dealt with enough hard stuff in my years on this earth that now was the time that I was going to start REALLY living. To start being rewarded for the struggles that I have already faced. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. Apparently, I was silly to think that there existed some cosmic balance sheet between adversity and fortune. Apparently, God doesn't keep tally. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen but damn, when do I get a break? To be honest, I can't say the words "multiple sclerosis" without crying. I can type it. I can text it. But, the actual words coming out of my mouth...yea, that isn't even close to happening without a blubbering, gasping tear filled girl overtaking whatever composure I still have. I think a part of me believes that refusing to acknowledge this silent devils presence, will some how, make it not exist. Today is not a good day, I am told I am in the middle of what is probably my third exacerbation of this illness, so as I type my extra special immune system is taking charge of my body, attacking the myelin that coats my nerve endings, leaving my nerve endings exposed and firing completely uncalled for responses. My feet are numb, my legs are on fire and the feeling is just creeping higher. When I walk, I feel like I am stepping on broken glass. This isn't my body right now. This is MS's body. But, it won't always be. I might not reclaim it tomorrow. That is okay with me. I will eventually. When I learn to gain full acceptance. I will always hate this disease. But, I am choosing not to look into the future and all of the things that it might steal from me and instead look at all of the things that I will accomplish WITH this disease. This is best for my serenity. I have been told the anger might never go away, that "why me's?" will forever lurk...so instead of saying I wont be angry I am going to say I will make an effort to modify my anger with a certain degree of resignation. I will probably never acept this disease. It is unfair, it is horrible but it is life. And I am choosing to live this life to it's fullest regardless of what it brings me. I refuse to let those who support me be disappointed with me. They give me far more credit than I deserve at this point.

So, I figured I would bump this blog and make some changes to it.

Why we no longer vaccinate: The short of the long. When the twins were born we were fortunate enough to have an amazing pediatrician who strictly followed the Dr. Sears schedule. He believed in educated consent and FULLY made us aware of the risks and benefits of the vaccinations our children recieved. While I was pregnant, I had a beautifully amazing friend Nikk, who was a God send in teaching me about informed consent. I am forever grateful of the gift of education that she gave me. With Adelyn, I planned on continuing to use the alternative vaccination schedule that we did with the boys. We did one shot at a time, eliminated some vaccinations and waited on others. This plan worked flawlessly the first time and I assumed we would have the same results. Boy was I wrong. Addy and I packed up and got ready for her three month check up. She was petite in size and hadnt had a well child since birth so I figured we may as well go. That morning Addy was cooing, smiling and carrying on as she always did. She was declared perfectly healthy. She was given a vaccination. The fact that we no longer vaccinate should say enough and I care not relive this expereince. This isn't just about my experience as a mother but the overall safaety of myself and my children. I have educated myself extensively over the last five years and have spent countless hours personally and professionally researching these points. I understand this will not be for every one. But, if you gain anything from what I am about to share with you learn to advocate for your own children. You are their champion. Act like it and always remember "know better, do better". I guess I will start with the vaccination schedule which I will include a picture of. Are you aware that America is the most vaccinated country in the world. Sadly, we also have the highest rate of SIDS and other "undiagnosed infant mortalities". Is this a coincidence or does a correlation exist? You can decide for yourself. Vaccine proponents have argued that shockingly high number of infant deaths that occur within days of the DTP vaccination are simply the result of the deaths simply occuring in the time frame that SIDS is likely to occur. The WHO even took it to the extent of stating it was faulty logic. Arguing that it was like saying "Eating bread causes car accidents". However, lets look at some studies that have been discounted by big Pharm. In 1980, Japan, concerned over the high number of infant mortalities seen after recieving the 3 month scheduled vaccination began delaying the first DTP vaccination until 24 months (I will touch on this milestone a little later). Statistically, the delay had a 75% reduction in infant mortality over a five year period. SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT! In 1985, Dr. Schniebner, a primary research physican for the government of Australia took assignment to research the rates of "crib death" that were occurring. Dr. Schniebner flawlessly recorded data that showed a TEN FOLD increase in "crib death" among infants who had recieved routine vaccinations within the past 7 days. This was not what the government was expecting. Thought the majority of the medical community in Australia chose to protect the interest of big Pharm and vaccine manufacturers. Her findings, which can be found under the tag "COT WATCH" were ultimately used as evidentiary research in the NEJoM and was published in the Journal of American Medical Association. She has also since published an amazing book "Vaccinations: 100 years of Orthodox research shows vaccinations are a medical assault on the immune system". Yes, I know...long title. GREAT BOOK. Okay, so back to the schedule. Oh and let's not forget that NUMEROUS vaccine manufacturer pamphlets list SIDS as a side effect. There are numerous graphical illustrations that represent the natural decline of a number of illnesses that vaccinations were created to "combat" along with the naturally declining rates that can be associated to a better understanding of the immune system, proper use of standard precautions and general increase in sanitary living conditions came the increase in a number of childhood ailments. ADD, ADHD and Autism, were unkown ailments in past generations. Pro vax groups simply say: they existed they were just coined as "weird, strange, not normal". I am not buying this argument. Had 1 in 88 individuals been "weird, strange, not normal" in past generations some serious red flags would have been raised. This concept of "it existed but didn't have a name" is flawing the real problem here. There is something environmental CAUSING these conditions. Do I believe vaccinations CAUSE autism. In short: no. However, I feel that vaccinations assault and overwhelm the immune system in such a way that permanent damage may occur.

In the mid 1900's: there were only 2 vaccines given before the age of 2. TWO vaccinations. Sure, argue that kids were dying all the time from "vaccine preventable illnesses" lets compare those rates with all of the children dying from SIDS or being affected by a life long disorder. Lets jump ahead about 40 years and put ourselves in 1984: I should have recieved a total of 8 shots before the age of two 13 by the age of 12. My mom didn't do so hot keeping up on them (a big hind sight is 20/20 hug momma). Speaking of the 80's...do you know the rate of Autism in the 1980's? 1 in 10,000 roughly. Notice that massively huge difference between now? Looking at my kids vaccination schedule today: they are to recieve 49 vaccinations! FORTY NINE. We are now vaccinating against common child hood illnesses: varicella, hib, rotavirus. The CDC and other organizations with their hands in pharmas pocket books use "worst case scenario" scare tactics to make parents believe that their children NEED "this" vaccination. Those are all pretty big words and heaven forbid my child catch rotavirus (stomach flu) or varicella (chicken pox). Not so scary when you word them for what they are, right? How about haemophilus influenzae? Typically, meaning 93% of the time this is nothing more than an ear infection or flu type illness, an additional 4% will contract bronchitis or cellulitis but look at the CDC webpage and they have a fancy pie chart (I hope you are following the math here) of cases of pneumonia, bactermia, meningitis, and other. However, read further this pie chart is only a statistical analysis of the 3% of people who end up with a "severe form" of the illness. Typically, these severe cases are found in the immunocompromised. So, continuing on with this incredibly flawed vaccine schedule. Not only are we vaccinating our children against relatively harmless conditions we are inundating their body with viruses that their immune systems are not equipped to fight. Children have on average 15 vaccinations before the age of one. BEFORE the age of ONE. When a child is born, it is the biological narrative that a mother breastfeed. By breastfeeding, a mother is able to pass her acquired immunity on to her child. This immunity allows a child to be ballooned in protection. The core of an immune system is the T-Cells, these cells are broken into two categories. T-1 and T-2 cells. Scientifically, it has been proven that T-2 cells, typically do not present until 9 to 12 months of age. This means that we are flooding an immature immune system with viruses they do not only have the inability to fight but have the poor ability to replicate and create the desired immune response. The logic in this process is incredibly flawed.

Sigh, okay now onto the ingredient list. Where do you get your ingredient information? I am going to go out on a limb and say you don't. Unless you have learned to ask for it. It is required by law that the vaccine manufacturers insert be provided at your reuest but many physicians choose not to hand them out and don't make that general information for you to know. That said, the pamplet isnt the only place you can find this information. The CDC does have this information available. The FDA and the manufacturers also will provide this information. If you LOOK for it. It isnt given to you. The toxins in these vaccinations are legitimized with claims of "too small for effect" or better yet the AMOUNT of the actual toxin isn't given and is instead replaced with the words "trace amounts". I for one, would like to know what "trace amounts" means if you think you are going to put it into my child. These ingredients include, but are not limited to: FORMALDEHYDE, MERCURY, ALUMINUM, AMMONIUM, SUCROSE, and GLYCINE. These are just some of the chemicals used, now are you ready for the REALLY gross stuff? How about human dipoloid cells from aborted fetuses, monkey kidney cells, fetal bovine serum, chick embryo, mouse serum protein, monkey kidneys. That is right...you are injecting you amazing little kids with some pretty gross stuff if you ask me. Yes, I know you can all jump off your "We are exposed to heavy metals everyday" soap box. I get that but I am not being exposed to these willingly. Never would I wake up and say "Today, I think I am going to make a mercury aborted fetal cell smoothies", yet when we vaccinate our children we are making the concious decision to put these things into our children. Let's not forget that the route of injecting a child causes a natural immune response in and of itself. When the skin barrier is broken the bodies natural response is to send antibodies to fight the possible infection. The ingredients listed above are just the ingredients that they KNOW are going to be present. Recently, there have been numerous cases of vaccine contamination. In the past three years nearly 15 different vaccinations have been recalled due to contamination. These contaminants have included: unidentified DNA, cellophane, H5N1 avian virus, bacilius cereus and egg protein (when not listed on the ingredient list).

Naturally, I will go into vaccination reactions from here. Yes, I said vaccination reaction. Let's not call them side effects, or possible side effects, that seriously underplays what is going on INSIDE your childs body when these rections occur. When a vaccination is given a childs (often underdeveloped) immune system is stunned. It responds not only to the trauma of the injection but to the presence of a foreign invader. The antigens sound the alarm that sends the lymphocytes to take over. There are two types of lymphocytes T-cells (remember those little guys from earlier?) and B cells. These cells fight the "infection" and ultimately certain T-cells and B-cells will be converted into "memory cells" meaning that they will remember the infection and what they did to fight it the last time it was encountered. However, in an underdeveloped immune system, the body is not only improperly eqipped to deal with the infection itself but often create faulty "memory" of the infection leading to the inability to protect itself upon re exposure. That said, vaccination DOES NOT equal immunity. It is false belief that vaccinations automatically assume immunity. Immunity is created by a healthy, mature immune system not a bunch of crap tossed together in a needle. Just like vaccinations potentially create this immunity, so does naturally built immunity. Your immune system is what is important here. Moving into these vaccine reactions. Some of the reactions commonly seen in children are fever, fussiness and inconsolable crying for up to three days. Can you imagine the absolute storm must be happening inside their small little bodies to CRY for THREE DAYS? You are made to believe that this is a "normal" reaction. I am going to tell you that this is NOT normal. Unfortunately, my family learned this the hard way. Typically, these cries are associated with cerebral inflammation (brain inflammation). This condition is called Rapid Onset Encephalitis. This is a real condition and happens more often than people think and is written off as a "common side effect". However, this reaction, though frequently overlooked are associated with serious and often permanent neurological damage. This stand alone fact is the reason why the argument "My child has all of his shots and is just fine" blows my mind. Maybe your child is "fine" now but maybe the long term effects of the "common side effects" haven't presented their ugly head not to mention it negates the experiences of those, like my family, with a vaccine injured child. If your child is "just fine" consider yourself fortunate. Because while I had two children who fared well through shots, I have one who didn't. 1 in 3 aren't awesome odds in my opion. Some of the other possible side effects listed on vaccine inserts include: SIDS (there it is again), seizures, autism, permanent brain damage, rash, fainting, loss of appetite, fever, swelling, abdominal pain, coma, death. For those of you that are undoubtedly saying "You pulled those off some crazy anti vaccination website". No I didnt. I went to the CDC website and typed in the words "Vaccination side effects" they are listed for every vaccine approved for use in the US. Don't believe me? Look for yourself. Now, for those of you who will argue those are rare. No, they are not. See for youself: http://vaers.hhs.gov/data/index Although, VAERS claims that "coincidences" make it difficult to determine whether these reactions are due to a medical condition or the vaccination themselves. More than $1.5 BILLION dollars have been paid to families who have been affected by these possibly "coincidental" events. My guess is that they are very aware these events are much more than mere coincidental events. Speaking of this money, are you aware that vaccine manufacturers cannot be sued? And instead a percentage of cost for every vaccination given in the US since 1986 goes to a vaccine injury fund. This is where the "hush money" goes to pay off families who have loved ones injured by a vaccination. If vaccine reactions were purely "coincidental occurances" this fund would not exist. Okay, now moving into the testing of vaccinations. Are you aware the it was only recently that many of the combined dose vaccinations were available? When these vaccinations were created they had been tested as safe in their single form. However, vaccine manufacturers were not required to test the combined dosing because the efficacy and safety of the single dose had been previously tested. As long as the formulation when combined did not change no further testing was required. This means that the actually effect of combining these vaccinations has never been tested to prove safety. Yet, they have been declared safe. Not really a risk I am willing to take. Many vaccinations also skirt the testing guidelines for quick release. The H1N1 is a prime example of this. The flu vaccination changes every year due to the circular pattern of viruses (I am not even going to go into the flu vaccine craziness, maybe in a later blog). H1N1 was identified as a healthcare crisis by the CDC, within weeks the vaccination was available and was being pushed on pregnant woman, children, elderly and other immune compromised individuals though testing and possible outcomes had NOT and WOULD not be tested on those groups. In fact, the H1N1 vaccination was given to pregnant women and the outcome and results were tracked over the next 9 months. You know what they found? A significant increase of miscarriage and still birth in women who recieved the vaccination. I am sure ANY of those women would have risked battling the virus if they would have known the life of their unborn child was on the line. I have frequently been asked how my children go to school with such limited vaccinations. Very easily. All 50 states have some sort of exemption program in place. Schools and school districts will often MAKE you believe that "No shots, no School" this is a completely false belief and perpetuates parents to the cyle of bullying that already exists in an attempt at a vaccination nation. It is a complete injustice that so many parents are misinformed and their PARENTAL RIGHT not to vaccinate their child is not only being misrepresented but they are made to thought it is MANDATORY. When this was originally written my children attended day care four days a week and we had NO problem with the vaccination schedule the boys were using. We simply had a letter from our physcian explaining the alternative schedule we were following. Current day, I am able to write a letter to the childrens school explaining that we don't vaccinate. The letter was short and explained our reason, however on silly forms that ask about vaccinations, I frequently come up with creative answers such as "Vaccinations are the devils blood" or "I am scared that they will get purple polka dots and turn into a flying giraffe". My reasoning for choosing to no longer vaccinate does not need to be public record but then again, I am in California. Now, I know by the end of the monsrocity of a blog post you are rolling your eyes and assuming that I am a complete granola crunching hippy. I assure you I am not. I encourage you to research all of the above points for yourself and am happily going to share some fo the sources with you. If you have any questions feel free to ask and remember YOU are the only advocate your child has. I don't care what side of the fence you stand on in the vaccination debate but I encourage you to KNOW why you stand there. www.fda.gov www.cdc.gov http://www.nvic.org/injury-compensation.aspx www.mercola.com www.drtenpenny.com “The Vaccine Book” By Robert Sears, MD www.vaccinenation.net "The sanctity of human blood: vaccination is not immunization" by Dr. Tim Oshea "Vaccinations: 100 years of Orthodox research shows vaccinations are a medical assault on the immune system" By Dr. Viera Scheibner Another great tool is to go to google type in "scholar" it will take you to a google link that will include NOTHING but PEER REVIEWED mmedically documented vaccine studies that will second many of the points I have made. Happy researching. -

So, this is what it feels like.

I have decided the most successful way to share what I am about to share is through writing about it. I am sure this will be drafted time and time again before I pull my big girl panties on and share it with you all and to be perfectly honest I am totally unsure of where I start. Do I just come out and say it? Do I try to explain what has been happening that has got us to this point? Long version or short version? How the HELL do I even begin to try and make sense of the emotions that I am currently feeling. So, you know what, I am just going to roll with whatever comes out knowing that this will be edited later. Today, I was told, by someone who I know is undoubtedly going to serve as an inspiration to me that nothing has me. A disease doesn't define the person. The person defines the disease and there is nothing better than beating the odds. I know, I know...what freaking disease is she talking about? I am getting there...I swear. And once I am done greiving, I swear I will live by that statement. There is no reason I should break, there is no reason I should fall down and there is no reason I should continue to sit here like a freaking train wreck. But, today I am. Tomorrow probably won't be much easier. But, I am told it will get better. Honestly, I can tell you NOW at this very moment, that I feel like I am no longer in control of my body. Like I am living in some parallel universe, feeling what I am feeling, hearing what I am hearing yet I am completely numb to the experience and I find myself thinking "So, this is that grief that everyone has talked about", the grief that overwhelms your entire soul when you are told something you don't want to hear. But, there is a flip side to this coin. The completely and totally liberating one that says "You are NOT crazy", these "feelings" of overall uneasiness were correct. My body knew there was something terribly wrong, though my heart and mind fought through the discomfort negating the feelings for something of less severity. But, this is now my life. And there is nothing I can do to change it. It amazes me at how quickly life changes. How almost instantly priorities and plans become demolished and forever changed. How quickly you begin thinking of all the stuff you need to do while you can...you know...before you cant. When I am done crying and my tears are dried, I will pull it together because honestly, as pissed as I am at the world today, the blessings that I have been given don't deserve me to lay down to this diagnosis. My children are going to learn what true strength means from me, they are going to see me fight like hell, not only to ensure that my life is as full and complete as it can possibly be but I will advocate my pants off for this cause. NO ONE deserves this discomfort, this emotional and physical pain, this absolutely nauseating internal crisis between KNOWING damn well that I am bigger than this but totally FEARING it is bigger than me. At some point, who knows when, the knowledge will take over the fear but at this point all I can do is educate myself. To remind myself of this daily, regardless of whether I believe it, to surround myself by those who will empower me and fulfill me. I refuse to be defined for anything other than what I always have been. I am a mother to three amazing children, a wife to the most incredible husband this world can offer, I am a daughter, a sister. I am me...just slightly modified. There is no number of brain lesionss, no amount of pain or discomfort that will change the core of me. I have Multiple Sclerosis. Multiple Sclerosis doesn't have me and now all I can do is make my good days out number my bad days. I will fight this. I will get through this and there will be a cure in my lifetime. Those are things I do KNOW.